Some people think that the main purposes of school is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Most
of
Change preposition
apply
the
people believe that Correct article usage
apply
schools
play a significant role in terms of providing them to be a reasonable citizens
or Correct the article-noun agreement
a reasonable citizen
reasonable citizens
employee
, Fix the agreement mistake
employees
instead
of personal
effects. In my opinion, if Add a missing verb
having personal
school’s
follow the logical policy, it could be possible and I agree with that.
First of all, having a literacy generation brings so Change noun form
schools
much
benefits for both individuals and society, and it is observed thatChange the quantifier
many
,
the Remove the comma
apply
schools
caused that. Children spend most of their time in schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
to learn
Change the verb form
learning
variety
of skills, Add an article
a variety
the variety
such
as academic subjects or some attitudes, which are beneficial for their own life
and their future career. So, when they use these skills in their private life
it shows that they can use them in out. For instance
, in schools
children learn how they have discipline so it will help them in themselves Add a comma
schools,
life
and private life
.
In addition
, a successful person in a
society can improve his career Remove the article
apply
with
making lots of friends and Change preposition
by
also
find
good job opportunities which bring personal satisfaction Wrong verb form
finding
of
his own Change preposition
to
life
. Also
, schools
should aim to benefit individuals by addressing their personal growth and their interests by providing
them Verb problem
helping
to
find their real passions. Fix the infinitive
apply
For example
, programs in arts, sports, or psychology often help youngsters to explore to get chance
in Correct article usage
a chance
sense
of pleasure.
In conclusion, I Correct article usage
a sense
defiantly
agree that the main reasons Rephrase
definitely
of
Change preposition
for
schools
are providing
students to be Wrong verb form
to provide
a
successful Correct article usage
apply
citizen
rather than Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
Add a missing verb
having Privat
Privat
lives, but they Correct your spelling
private
are connect
together and they can support each Change the verb form
are connected
other’s
Change the noun form
others
other
with
following good structures in Change preposition
by
schools
.Submitted by writing9.pry221 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph has a clear and distinct point, and use linking words effectively throughout. This will help guide the reader through your arguments without any confusion.
Task Achievement
Improve task achievement by addressing both sides of the argument more thoroughly. While you agree with the statement, it is beneficial to also address potential arguments or perspectives that contradict your view.
Task Achievement
Expand on your ideas with more detailed examples and explanations. This will show a deeper understanding of the topic and strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
Your essay does a good job in clearly stating your position on the topic in the introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has an introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring your response effectively.
Task Achievement
You have included real-world examples like arts and sports which help in personal development to support your point.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite