IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 1

Television dominates the free-time of too many people. It can make people lazy and prevent them from socializing with others. Do you agree or disagree?

#television #free-time #people
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In recent years,
television
 has become more widespread among people. I acknowledge that TV prevents part of society from socializing, but I disagree with the notion that it makes people lazy. In
this
 essay, I will examine
this
 perspective and I argue that
while
television
 has indeed brought some challenges. In conclusion,
while
television
 has certainly brought some challenges in social communications, I believe that
television
 can be far more beneficial.
Therefore
, the government should implement some policies to enhance the positive effect of the
television
 process.
Submitted by jingelbing on

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task achievement
Expand on the arguments about how television impacts socializing and potential laziness. Include specific examples or scenarios to enhance your essay's depth.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points further to ensure each argument is well-supported and clearly articulated. Add more substance to connect arguments clearly with your thesis.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed and how they support your stance. This reiterates the overall message of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You've structured your essay well with a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good framework for readers.
task achievement
Your thesis statement is clear, showing a clear stance on the subject, which is crucial for guiding your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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