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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that Olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympics is a waste of maney and the money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #olympic #games #events #nations #olympics #waste #maney #money
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The Olympic Games take place in four years. It is a great opportunity to bring other nations to
this
 event to make it more compatible. I strongly agree that
this
 kind of event is exciting.
Firstly
, competitions, make
people
 feel the excitement. It has benefits for individuals.
For instance
, seeing someone competing with another person makes the person who is watching the competition feel more passionate about everything.
Secondly
, some groups of
people
 choose to watch the competition with their family.
Besides
,
this
 can improve the bond between family members.
Additionally
, individuals feel more happy when watching competitions.
Also
, it can repair their mental health and their social life.
However
, some
people
 think that these kinds of events are a waste of money. Indeed, governments should spend money on more important things rather than less important activities.
Nevertheless
, the Olympics and other big events, like the Olympics take place over several years. Namely, it is not a significant problem. Because it has lots of benefits to many things.
Additionally
,
this
 kind of event has a significant place for connection with other nations. In conclusion,
people
 have different views on the Olympic games. Some of them agreed that it is a waste of money.
However
, some
people
 have different views on
this
 statement. I agree that these competitions as beneficial to
individual's
Change noun form
individual
show examples
 lives.
Submitted by mcqueensever on

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task achievement
To improve your task achievement, provide more detailed examples to support your points. This will make your arguments more persuasive and highlight the importance of the issues discussed.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear central idea and make connections between your points more explicit. This will enhance the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in your argumentation. In some parts, the focus shifts quickly between ideas, which can reduce the overall clarity of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the overall discussion.
task achievement
You have effectively acknowledged both views of the argument, showing a balanced approach to the task.
task achievement
Your writing maintains a positive tone and effectively expresses enthusiasm for the topic of Olympic Games.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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