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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
#information #percentage #workforce #six #industries #australia #summarise #features #comparisons
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The data presents the proportion of employed
workers
Use synonyms
 in six various industries in Australia.
This
Linking Words
 includes information from 1989 to 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, in 1989, the highest percentage of working personnel
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 in the manufacturing sector
whereas
Linking Words
in
Add the comma(s)
, in
show examples
 2009, it
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 the employees from
Correct article usage
the health
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health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
. In comparison, the lowest proportion in both years is the tourism
workforce
Use synonyms
. In detail, in 1989, the greatest percentage of employees in Australia were working in manufacturing at 15%. With a 3.2% difference, it was followed by retail
workers
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the remaining working
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 in other industries gained less than 10%. In
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
, there
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 9.6%
workers
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was 2% higher than the
workforce
Use synonyms
 in
construction
Add an article
the construction
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
. 6.8% of people are employed
under
Change preposition
in
show examples
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 sector, and
lastly
Linking Words
, tourism with 5.5% which was considered the lowest record in 1989.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, after two decades, the highest percentage of
Use synonyms
workforce
Add an article
the workforce
show examples
 employed was in
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 care
industry
Use synonyms
 at 11.3%.
Retail
Correct article usage
The retail
show examples
workforce
Use synonyms
 still remained
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 second rank with 10.1%,
this
Linking Words
 was closely followed by manufacturing
workers
Use synonyms
 at 9.8%.
Finally
Linking Words
,
construction
Correct article usage
the construction
show examples
, education and tourism industries
similarly
Linking Words
are with
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 proportion of under 10%.
Submitted by cng123 on

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words workers, industry, workforce with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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