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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?

#countries #graduates #employment #factors #situation
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Nowadays, several countries have many high-standard graduates who are unemployed. I will explain some causes and solutions to overcome these problems.
To begin
 with, many individuals who are graduated whether
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
bachelor's
Correct article usage
a bachelor's
show examples
 degree or even a master's degree find it difficult to find a
job
 because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the number of
job
opportunities
 is lower than the total of graduated
people
. It means the ratio of
people
 and
job
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
 becomes differently higher.
Therefore
, all of them compete with each other to get a
job
 as soon as possible.
For example
, Indonesia has a high number of
people
 who have graduated
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
 bachelor's
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
who
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 do not have a
job
. Even if they already have a
job
 it is only less than 50 percent of graduated
people
. The other reason is most of the companies or industries that open the recruitment for new employees have a high standard of acceptance. Because of that, it makes the
opportunities
 to be accepted will be lower for some of the
people
 who do not have a lot of experience and internships during their studies. To solve
this
 problem, in my opinion, every individual should already have a plan before graduating.
Therefore
, they will be prepared by taking a course or internship to enhance their skills and experiences.
Moreover
, the
job
opportunities
 are not only offered in the home country, they have
another option
Fix the agreement mistake
other options
show examples
such
 as working abroad. Even
this
job
 has a big opportunity to develop their skills and a wide range of positions offered
while
 working overseas.
To conclude
, everyone especially highly qualified graduates
find
Correct subject-verb agreement
finds
show examples
 difficulties because of the high competition of
job
 hunting, it is because of the total of
people
 and the number of
job
opportunities
has
Wrong verb form
that have
show examples
 a high difference and some companies have a high standard of employee acceptance.
Therefore
, to overcome these problems, every person should have some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 and advanced skills before graduating. The other solution is they should consider
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not only applying for jobs in their home country,
hence
also
 taking the
opportunities
 to work abroad.
Submitted by hasnaisdihar on

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task achievement
Expand on your supporting points with more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of the essay by using more connectors and transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points.
task achievement
Ensure that you address both factors and solutions in a balanced manner to provide a comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the main task of discussing factors and possible solutions, providing a structured response.
task achievement
Your main points are clear, and there is logical reasoning behind each one.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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