A report indicated that many children between 7 and 11 years old watch television and/or play video games too much. How does the problem affect? What measures can be taken to control it?
A report depicted that a lot of
children
around 7 until
11 years old are addicted to Change preposition
to
watch
television or Wrong verb form
watching
play
video games. It will lead to bad Wrong verb form
playing
eyesight
and a serious problem in the future. Meanwhile, the role of the parents
is really important here to control the using
of Replace the word
use
handphone
and TV. I highly suggest Fix the agreement mistake
handphones
for
the Correct word choice
that
parents
to
set a Fix the infinitive
apply
screentime
schedule.
Firstly
, children
will feel uncomfortable by
playing or watching video games for a long time and Change preposition
apply
then
their eyesight
will not as
good as before. There is Add a missing verb
be as
a
powerful radiation on the screen, Remove the article
apply
this
is a reason why their eyes get sick because the light is too strong entering the eyes. As a result
, children
can not see objects clearly. For example
, my nephew is about 10 years old, but he has been used
glasses since 8 years old because his Wrong verb form
using
parents
always give handphone at home.
Meanwhile, the parents
has
Change the verb form
have
Correct article usage
the rights
rights
to manage time when the Fix the agreement mistake
right
children
can have screentime
. Obviously, the Correct your spelling
screen time
parents
and children
should communicate each
other to do Change preposition
with each
this
. After that, they can reach a final decision to set the screentime
schedule. Correct your spelling
screen time
For instance
, I am allowing my children
to play video games on weekends only for 2 hours a day. Certainly, the result is really good because they do not have bad eyesight
and tend to play with their friends.
To sum up
, television and handphone
have a negative impact Fix the agreement mistake
handphones
for
Change preposition
on
children
eyes. Change noun form
children's
However
, the parents
can control by managing screentime
. Correct your spelling
screen time
This
is a proper way to prevent bad eyesight
and children
can spend most of their time with family and friends.Submitted by wishmeluck on
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clarity
To enhance clarity, try varying sentence structure and reducing repetitive phrasing, which will create a more engaging essay. For instance, use complex sentences to combine related ideas.
supporting evidence
Include more data or research findings to further substantiate the claims about the negative impacts of screen time. This will strengthen your argument about the effects on children's eyesight.
coherence
Link paragraphs with more distinct transition phrases to ensure smoother flow and better coherence in your writing.
task focus
You have presented clear and direct points, focusing on the problems caused by excessive screen time and parental roles in controlling it.
clarity of intent
The introduction clearly sets the stage for the issues being discussed. It identifies both the problem and potential measures in a concise manner.
engagement
Use of personal anecdote ('my nephew') effectively personalizes the problem and makes it relatable to the reader.
Your opinion
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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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