IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries, it is common practice for young people (13-17yrs) to get a part time job in the summer. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of teenage employment.

#countries #practice #people #yrs #part #time #job #summer #employment
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In several countries, it is common for us to see young
people
 around 13
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 17 years old
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
looking for a
non full-
Add a hyphen
non-full-time
show examples
time
job
 in the summer. The advantage of
this
 is they can make money on their own
while
 the disadvantage is they do not have much
time
 for their family. After discussing both sides, the conclusion will be made.
Firstly
, young
people
 become independent which is really good. They will actively search for
job
 vacancies, apply to many positions, and get a
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
job
 that
suitable
Add a missing verb
is suitable
show examples
 to them.
As a result
, they will have
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 how
work
 is
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
work
together with
 other
people
, behave
to
Change preposition
toward
show examples
 customers, and many more.
For instance
, my friend
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 ever
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 a barista, she knows how to serve
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
coffee, handle customer complaints, and clean the room.
However
, she is more
focusing
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
to collect
Change preposition
on collecting
show examples
 money as
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 as possible and only
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 a little
time
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 her family. Even though
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 youth become independent is important,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they will have no
time
 for their family. As
people
 know, youth around 13 until 17 years old are spending most of their
time
 at school and playing with friends.
As a consequence
, they only meet their
parents
 and siblings at home.
In addition
, if they use summer vacation to
work
,
then
 they will very rarely meet up with their
parents
.
For example
, my niece was actively working here and there every summer,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
makes
Wrong verb form
made
show examples
 her
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not have
time
 for as simple as
attend on
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
 her
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 wedding anniversary. To
conlude
Correct your spelling
conclude
, getting a
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
job
 is crucial to make young
people
 not dependent on other
people
. Meanwhile, they will only have a little
time
 with their family. After considering both sides, I prefer suggest to youth more spend
time
 with
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
 and siblings and
focused
Wrong verb form
focus
show examples
 on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
instead
 of
work
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Make sure to fully address all parts of the task for a more complete response. While you covered both advantages and disadvantages, you could expand more on how these impact teenagers in broader terms.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate on ideas to ensure they are fully comprehensive. For example, further examples or explanations can be added to enhance understanding.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structures and variety to enhance overall clarity and coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Each main point is supported with relevant examples, which helps to clarify your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Logical flow between paragraphs and ideas is generally well maintained.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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