IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs and other leisure activities. What are the harmful effects of such violent programs on children? What are the solutions for this problem?

#parents #amount #violence #children #computer #games #tv #programs #leisure #activities #effects
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A
lot
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 of
parents
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 are sad because of the increasing
amount
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 of
violence
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
 from
TV
Use synonyms
programs
Use synonyms
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
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, and
leisure
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activities
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.
Harmful
Correct article usage
The harmful
show examples
effects
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 of
such
Linking Words
programs
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 on
children
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 can be unpredictable in the near
future
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. sadddddddddddddddddd A
lot
Use synonyms
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 are sad because of the increasing
amount
Use synonyms
 of
violence
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
 from
TV
Use synonyms
programs
Use synonyms
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, and
leisure
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Harmful
Correct article usage
The harmful
show examples
effects
Use synonyms
 of
such
Linking Words
programs
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 can be unpredictable in the near
future
Use synonyms
.
saddddddddddddddddddA
Correct your spelling
Sada
lot
Use synonyms
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 are sad because of the increasing
amount
Use synonyms
 of
violence
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
 from
TV
Use synonyms
programs
Use synonyms
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, and
leisure
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Harmful
Correct article usage
The harmful
show examples
effects
Use synonyms
 of
such
Linking Words
programs
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 can be unpredictable in the near
future
Use synonyms
.
saddddddddddddddddddA
Correct your spelling
Sada
lot
Use synonyms
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 are sad because of the increasing
amount
Use synonyms
 of
violence
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
 from
TV
Use synonyms
programs
Use synonyms
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, and
leisure
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Harmful
Correct article usage
The harmful
show examples
effects
Use synonyms
 of
such
Linking Words
programs
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 can be unpredictable in the near
future
Use synonyms
.
saddddddddddddddddddvvA
Correct your spelling
save
lot
Use synonyms
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 are sad because of the increasing
amount
Use synonyms
 of
violence
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
 from
TV
Use synonyms
programs
Use synonyms
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, and
leisure
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Harmful
Correct article usage
The harmful
show examples
effects
Use synonyms
 of
such
Linking Words
programs
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 can be unpredictable in the near
future
Use synonyms
.
saddddddddddddddddddA
Correct your spelling
Sada
lot
Use synonyms
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 are sad because of the increasing
amount
Use synonyms
 of
violence
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
 from
TV
Use synonyms
programs
Use synonyms
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, and
leisure
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
.
Harmful
Correct article usage
The harmful
show examples
effects
Use synonyms
 of
such
Linking Words
programs
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
 can be unpredictable in the near
future
Use synonyms
. sadddddddddddddddddd
Submitted by shermadovs on

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coherence/cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear structure. Start with an introduction that introduces the topic followed by distinct paragraphs that discuss the harmful effects and possible solutions.
task achievement
Currently, there is a lot of repetition without substantial content. Make sure to expand on your ideas and provide specific examples.
coherence/cohesion
Provide a conclusion that summarizes your points and reflects on their significance.
task achievement
The topic is very relevant, and addressing the concerns of parents about violence is important.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • aggressive behavior
  • desensitization
  • anxious
  • empathize
  • social skills
  • skew
  • perception of reality
  • monitor
  • age-appropriate content
  • educational content
  • non-violent content
  • media literacy
  • critically analyze
  • impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: