IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Eating too much sugar is harmful to health. Some people think it is the government’s responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think it is an individual’s responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#sugar #health #people #government’s #responsibility #limit #people’s #consumption #individual’s #amount
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The rate of obesity is now greater than at almost any point in history and spending a lot of
sugar
Use synonyms
 is damaging
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health
Use synonyms
. Some argue that authorities have to prevent and put the rules to limit uses .
On the other hand
Linking Words
, other groups of
people
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 believe that individuals who accountable for their eating. In
this
Linking Words
 essay , I will discuss both sides and explain my perspective in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with the view that , the healthcare sector should ban the use of
sugar
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 spending . Even a straightforward that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
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 harm and
destroyed
Wrong verb form
destroys
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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health
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
Correct pronoun usage
who used
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used
Wrong verb form
use
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is
Correct your spelling
it
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everyday
Replace the word
every day
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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night.
However
Linking Words
 , individuals argue that the government should be responsible towards their
health
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 and
put
Verb problem
apply
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limit
use
Correct article usage
the use
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for
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugar
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 consumption to reduce the disease . In
this
Linking Words
case
Add a comma
case,
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 they have to
educating
Change the verb
educate
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people
Use synonyms
 about the dangers of
sugar
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 consumption . So , the possible solution is to reduce
this
Linking Words
 problem they have to publish on social media and platforms.
for example
Linking Words
, the
racesch
Correct your spelling
research
 and
studied
Replace the word
studies
show examples
 evidence consumption of
sugar
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 leads to a lot of diseases that cause cancer and other illnesses .
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , The primary consideration for
people
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 is their
health
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 they should care and
educated
Wrong verb form
educate
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 themselves and be aware towards their
health
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.
As a result
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,
people
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 who eat
limit
Wrong verb form
limited
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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little
sugar
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 and have
a
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apply
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regular exercise
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are more likely to live longer with higher levels of energy and higher levels of happiness.
For instance
Linking Words
, my siblings always promoted and encouraged me to do daily activities to be more active and healthy as they
are have
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 regular exercise and they are healthier than me . In conclusion,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 and individuals both have shared the responsibility together for their
health
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 care and the
health
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 benefits to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society .
My
Change preposition
In my
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 opinion,
people
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 should be aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 their
health
Use synonyms
 and practice regular exercise to keep fit and cut
sugar
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by a.almakmari93 on

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coherence cohesion
Try to clarify and organize your ideas more logically. Some sentences are difficult to follow, and this affects the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one clear main idea, and all sentences in the paragraph support that idea.
task achievement
Strengthen the task response by addressing all parts of the question more clearly and comprehensively.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your ideas, making your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion, which help to give your essay a complete structure.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views of the topic, showing an understanding of the question's requirements.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • harmful
  • government intervention
  • policies and regulations
  • public health
  • individual responsibility
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • freedom of choice
  • balanced approach
  • food industry
  • sugar content
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • health problems
  • taxation
  • advertising restrictions
  • labeling requirements
  • reading food labels
  • natural sweeteners
  • cooking at home
  • moderation
  • balanced diets
What to do next:
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