IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarket gives money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development

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It is often argued that some fast
food
Use synonyms
 restaurants and
supermarket
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarkets
show examples
 donate money to
schools
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 to market their goods. I think
this
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 is a negative development because
students
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 may
Add a missing verb
be addict
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addict
Replace the word
addicted
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 to
consume
Wrong verb form
consuming
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 instant
food
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 and
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are concerns
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concerns
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concerned
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of
Change preposition
about
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 various health issues.
This
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 essay will explore how these points will justify my opinion.  There are several drawbacks
of
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to
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 having
promotion
Add an article
a promotion
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 of fast
food
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 in
schools
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.
Firstly
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, the
students
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 would purchase these items uncontrollably 
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 most of the fast
food
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 items give nice
teste
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taste
show examples
 and it can lead to an addiction for
students
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. As an example, a survey conducted by Royal College Colombo, Sri Lanka, revealed that
by
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apply
show examples
65% of
students
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addicted
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were addicted
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 to
buy
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buying
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 hot dogs and
Coca Cola
Add a hyphen
Coca-Cola
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 from
nearest
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the nearest
a nearest
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 supermarket because
,
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apply
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 there was an
adverticement
Correct your spelling
advertisement
 on the school wall
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
advertised by the same supermarket.
Hence
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, giving subsidies to promote fast
foods
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 causes significant issues
to
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for
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students
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 in most
schools
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. Another negative factor is that health concerns arise from fast
food
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. Most of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
these items have
high
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a high
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 content of sugar, fat,
oil
Correct word choice
and oil
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 and are low in
nutritions
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition
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. When eating these unhealthy products,
students
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 become more unhealthy, as they may
prone
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be prone
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 to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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heart disease, obesity, or non-communicable diseases.
For instance
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,
a
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apply
show examples
research from
Department
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the Department
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 of Physiotherapy, University of Colombo, identified that the main cause of obesity among
students
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 is consuming fast
foods
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in
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during
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 their school time.
Additionally
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, the research points out that the promotions from supermarkets have accelerated the buying power of
students
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.  In conclusion, having promotions for fast
foods
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 in
schools
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 causes significant problems for
students
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.
Students
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 may
addidct
Correct your spelling
add
 to
thse
Correct your spelling
the
these
those
 products and
tendency
Add an article
the tendency
a tendency
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 for health issues
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the main negative
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
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 from
this
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 action.
Therefore
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, authorities should not promote fast
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foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 in school environments.

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coherence cohesion
Work on developing clearer logical connections between paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve the introduction and conclusion by adding more clarity and depth to the opening and closing statements.
task achievement
Provide a more complete response by thoroughly addressing potential counterarguments and exploring the topic in greater detail.
task achievement
Strive for clearer and more comprehensive ideas, ensuring each point is well developed and articulated.
task achievement
The essay effectively uses relevant and specific examples to support the main points, adding credibility to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Despite some inaccuracies, the overall structure includes a clear introduction and conclusion, helping to frame the discussion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sponsorship
  • commercialism
  • educational funding
  • brand loyalty
  • public health concerns
  • critical thinking
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • nutritional education
  • corporate influence
  • scholarships
  • educational resources
  • marketing strategies
  • ethical considerations
  • consumer habits
  • financial incentives
  • underfunded schools
  • health implications
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