IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. It is a negative or postivive development?

#children #time #computer #games #sports #postivive #development
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Children
Use synonyms
 these days
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
often spend time playing video
games
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of sports activities.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon clearly has some negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 health. I believe that
this
Linking Words
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 negative implications for their development. On the one hand,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 aggravate to health of
children
Use synonyms
. Case in point, if
children
Use synonyms
 play often
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, their eyes could
damage
Wrong verb form
be damaged
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
hazardous
Correct article usage
the hazardous
show examples
 light of
telephone
Correct article usage
a telephone
show examples
 or laptop. In
addtion
Correct your spelling
addition
 to
this
Linking Words
 view,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 bring about bad posture, vision impairment and overweightness
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
are obsess
Change the verb form
are obsessed
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
's view.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 unconcerned social life.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, when
children
Use synonyms
 play
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 rather than sports, they can improve
outlook
Correct pronoun usage
their outlook
show examples
, mentality even concentration.
For instance
Linking Words
,
computee
Correct your spelling
computer
games
Use synonyms
 help
development
Replace the word
develop
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
 skills and abilities, which are keyboard navigation, hand-eye coordination and online networking.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 require not only critical thinking
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 skills. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 are to doing
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities rather than playing
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, consider using more linking words and phrases. This will connect your ideas more seamlessly and provide a smoother reading experience.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your conclusion and introduction align and cover all main points discussed in the body paragraphs to improve the structure of your essay.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen and justify your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph thoroughly explores a clear idea; this will improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your writing.
task achievement
Your essay covers both potential negative and positive aspects of children playing computer games, providing a balanced viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's perspective, which is a great start to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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