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Band 6

The two given bar charts illustrate the proportion of obesity among boy and girls aged 12-19 years by ethnicity in the USA in two different years 2004 and 2014.

The two given bar charts illustrate the proportion of obesity among boy and girls aged 12-19 years by ethnicity in the USA in two different years 2004 and 2014.
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The two
given
Verb problem
apply
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bar charts illustrate the proportion of
obesity
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 among
boy
Fix the agreement mistake
boys
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 and
girls
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 aged 12-19 years by ethnicity in the USA in two different years 2004 and 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, in 2014, among Hispanic
boys
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, the proportion of
obesity
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 was high,
while
Linking Words
 the the
non-Hispanic
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 black
girls
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 the
obesity
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 was high. The
obesity
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 rate among both
non-Hispanic
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 white
boys
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 and
girls
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 was almost the same in two different years. In 2014, 27% of Hispanic black
boys
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 were obese,
while
Linking Words
 29% of
non-Hispanic
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 black
girls
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 were obese.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, 17% of
non-Hispanic
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 white
boys
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 were obese in 2014, and 14% of
non-Hispanic
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 white
girls
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 were obese at that time.
Moreover
Linking Words
,in 2004, 11% of
non-Hispanic
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 black
boys
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 were obese in 2004 compared to 16% of
non-Hispanic
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 black
girls
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. 12 % of
non-Hispanic
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 white
boys
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 were obese in 2004, and 9% of
non-Hispanic
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girls
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 were obese in that year. The proportions of Hispanic obese
girls
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 and
boys
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 were 12 % and 13% respectively in 2004.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, girls, boys, non-hispanic with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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