The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Overweight
is a sign of Add a missing verb
Being overweight
bad
health condition. Correct article usage
a bad
Therefore
, an increased
Replace the word
increase
by
almost 20 % Change preposition
of
of
overweight Change preposition
in
children
in western
countries is an alarm. There must be a radical Capitalize word
Western
changing
in lifestyle.
Replace the word
change
Firstly
, parents must not allow children
to eat junk food
. There are some trends that busy parents in the lower income group feed their children
with junk food
. It is understandable regarding its price. Fast food
such
as McDonalds are
Change the verb form
is
also
easy to access. However
, almost all fast food
contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
contains
fat
and sugar than Correct quantifier usage
more fat
nutritients
.
Correct your spelling
nutrients
For example
, there are McDonalds stores near my house. Whenever mothers in my neighbourhood trap in their activities and do not have time to cook, they go directly to McDonalds and buy burgers and frenchfries
. Correct your spelling
french fries
Children
love them. Unfortunately, either burger
or Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
frenchfries
have Correct your spelling
French fries
a
insignificant amount of vitamins and proteins. They are Change the article
an
carbo
heavy Correct your spelling
carbo-heavy
that
will create fat in our Correct pronoun usage
apply
body
, especially if a person does not exercise regularly.
Sport is the second aspect. Boys and girls in big cities are life in sedentary Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
life
. Fix the agreement mistake
lives
This
situation drives obessities
Correct your spelling
obesities
in
a very young age. Change preposition
at
Therefore
, regular exercise such
as swimming, running or maybe just a routine playground activities
is very important. Whenever you move your body, the calories and fat will burn.
When I was in elementary school, the pupils must have a Correct the article-noun agreement
a routine playground activity
routine playground activities
gymnastic
class three times a week. Replace the word
gymnastics
Everytime
in Replace the word
Every time
gym
, we spent at least 1 hour dancing or jumping around. We were slim and healthy at that time.
In conclusion, I argue that parents must change their Add an article
the gym
a gym
children
lifestyle by eating healthier Change noun form
children's
food
and doing more sports. It will gradually decrease the number of boys and girls with obessity
.Correct your spelling
obesity
Submitted by edna.c.pattisina on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Task Achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the causes and effects of overweight children, as the task requires discussing both these aspects. Focus evenly on both causes and effects to comprehensively respond to the task statement.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on each point with more detailed explanations or exploring additional causes and effects to provide a comprehensive response, which would enhance clarity and depth.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use more transitions or linking words between sentences and paragraphs to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
The essay contains relevant examples, especially when discussing McDonalds and the neighborhood example, which supports the argument related to diet and its impact on overweight children.
Coherence and Cohesion
The writer provides a clear structure by first discussing causes, such as dietary habits and lack of exercise, then leading to the effects which could be implied here.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.