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Writing Samples
Band 4

Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. However, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business.Why do you think this? What could be done to encourage more people to art

#art #part #cultures #world #people #focus #science #technology #business
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Art
 is one of the most important expressions in cultures. It reflects how humanity evolves. Unfortunately, these days not many
people
 put their interest in
art
. They prefer to study science,
technology
 and business. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I would like to elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 reason and solution to
encoure
Correct your spelling
encourage
 more
people
 to become artists or
art
 lovers. It is understandable that human tends to be more interested
to
Change the preposition
in
show examples
 something that
benefit
Change the verb form
benefits
show examples
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
While
 becoming an artist could not guarantee your future income, a doctor, a data scientist, or a businessman could. These professions offer more pragmatic
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
. When I had to choose my undergraduate course, actually I would like to pursue my dream
to become
Change preposition
of becoming
show examples
 a pianist. But my parents asked me, how big
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
honor
Change the spelling
honour
show examples
 of a pianist,
while
 an engineer most likely has more
paycheck
Fix the agreement mistake
paychecks
show examples
 every month. In order to draw
people
 to
art
, I think it is more convincing if we can combine
art
,
technology
 and business.
For example
, NFT is a new form of
art
 using
technology
. It
also
creating
Change the form of the verb
creates
show examples
 a lot of hype and
then
 money. I believe NFT could work. In summary,
while
 many
people
 seem to pull themselves away from
art
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since
art
 is seen as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
not profitable
as
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for
show examples
Correct article usage
an artist
show examples
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
 or
lover
Fix the agreement mistake
lovers
show examples
, we can convince them by adapting
technology
. I hope
this
 effort could make a breakthrough for
people
to begin
 to fall in love
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
art
 again.
Submitted by edna.c.pattisina on

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task achievement
Expand on the solutions provided to give a more comprehensive view of how art can be integrated with other fields to attract more people. Consider offering more than just one example, such as NFTs, to illustrate different ways technology and business can support art.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay paragraphs are balanced in terms of length and detail. The introduction is clear, but the paragraphs that follow could be more evenly developed. Be careful to support all main points with specific examples or evidence, particularly when discussing societal motivations and potential solutions.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly sets out the topic and provides a direct response to the questions posed by rephrasing them into objectives for the essay.
supported main points
Utilizes a personal anecdote effectively to highlight societal pressures concerning career choices, adding depth to the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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