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Writing Samples
Band 5

The line graph below shows who Americans spend their time with, by age. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph below shows who Americans spend their time with, by age. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The diagram illustrates how
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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people
form
Correct your spelling
from
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 the United
State
Fix the agreement mistake
States
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 choose to be with their families, co-workers, partners, children, friends, or alone.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it
also
Linking Words
 takes into consideration the amount
Use synonyms
time
Change preposition
of time
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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spent. We see from the previous chart, that the choice of who spend your
time
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 with is hugely influenced by
age
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, we can say that Americans,
as well as
Linking Words
 people from other nationalities, tend to go through 3 main phases: youth from 20-30 years of
age
Use synonyms
, adulthood around 40-50, and
lastly
Linking Words
 the geriatric group from 60 and older.
First,
Linking Words
younger people
tend
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tend to
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 spend most of
the
Change the word
their
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time
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
apply
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either with their families, or alone.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, as they get their first job and form a family, their priorities change into devoting more hours to their families, co-workers, and children. but, would still find
time
Use synonyms
 to
injoy soltitiude
Correct your spelling
enjoy solitude
.
second,
Linking Words
older adults now
favour
Verb problem
spend
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 less
time
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 with their children, spend the least amount of
time
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 with friends and family, and are more eager to be with themselves.
Third,
Linking Words
as our
last
Linking Words
 group advances in
age
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, they spend much more hours in silence than any other
group-
Correct your spelling
group
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age
Use synonyms
, except that partners are the only ones allowed to join.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, retirement
make
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makes
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 it harder to keep close contact with colleagues. In the end,
time
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 is spent differently
age
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 we
age
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. Issues like work and
marrige
Correct your spelling
marriage
 can have some
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 as well.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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