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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

second try The graph below shows the percentage of unemployed people aged between 15 and 24 in five European countries in 2005, compared with the overall percentage of unemployment in those countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

second try The graph below shows the percentage of unemployed people aged between 15 and 24 in five European countries in 2005, compared with the overall percentage of unemployment in those countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The chart provides the proportion of
unemployed
Add an article
the unemployed
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 population with ranges aged from
15-to-24-year-olds
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15 to 24 years old
 compared to
overall
Linking Words
unemployment
Use synonyms
 in five different European nations in 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of people aged between 15-24 years old who not working was higher than
overall
Linking Words
unemployment
Use synonyms
 in all five countries, with Poland's rate showing the most. Looking in more detail, more than 30% of Poland people aged 15-24 years old were unemployed, which was 10% higher than
overall
Linking Words
unemployment
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. Interestingly, the percentage of
overall
Linking Words
unemployment
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 in Poland
had
Verb problem
was
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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similar number to that
from
Change preposition
of
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 a specific group age who were still jobless in Italy, accounting for more than a quarter.
However
Linking Words
, in Italy, both categories differ
almost
Change preposition
by almost
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 half with the dark blue bar (15%) less than the light blue bar. During the same time, Denmark's portion experienced the smallest figure in the dark blue bar with less than 10% even though the proportion of unpaid people aged more than 15 until 24
the
Add a missing verb
was the
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shared
Verb problem
apply
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same number
with
Change preposition
as
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overall
Linking Words
unemployment
Use synonyms
 in Hungary, at 12%. Germany,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, exhibited slight diversity in both categories, recording 22% for certain ages of unemployed and 2% lower for
overall
Linking Words
unemployment
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words unemployment with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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