IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In spite of many advances women have contributed in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in workplace?

#spite #advances #women #education #employment #promotion #equality #opportunity #men #workplace
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In many parts of the world, there is now greater equality between working
men
 and
women
.
Nevertheless
,
women
 still tend to earn less and enjoy fewer
promotion
Fix the agreement mistake
promotions
show examples
 than
men
. Some would
ague
Correct your spelling
argue
show examples
 that
this
 situation will correct itself
overtime
Correct your spelling
over time
show examples
.
However
, in my view, there is much that can be done to address the problem constructively. One possible approach for governments
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 force
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employers to promote the same numbers of
men
 and
women
 and to pay them the same salaries.
This
 would certainly tackle the problem quickly.
However
, measures like
this
 would be probably seen as excessive and difficult to enforce. A more feasible solution would be for
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 themselves to take the lead by ensuring that their male and female employees earn the same for equivalent work and that
women
 are promoted fairly.
This
 would help to establish gender equality as a norm and set a good example for
companies
 in the private sector. Countries,
such
 as Sweden and Iceland, which have done
this
 are often regarded by others as socially advanced models. To
further
 encourage equality,
companies
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
publish figures on the rank and average earnings of
men
 and
women
 in their workforce. Evidence of large inequalities would
creat
Correct your spelling
create
show examples
 a bad impression. In order to avoid bad publicity,
companies
 might consider it worthwhile to pay fairer wages and promote more
women
 to management positions. It is true that the problem of gender inequality in the workplace will probably not be solved quickly.
However
,
that is
 not a reason to avoid taking action. Governments can encourage change by showing the way forward and taking advantage of the need for
companies
 to present themselves as fair as reasonable.
Submitted by quangminh3000 on

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task achievement
Ensure all arguments are fully developed with sufficient supporting details.
task achievement
Work on the precision of language to avoid small errors in grammar or usage.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a clear logical flow by using more cohesive devices.
task achievement
The essay effectively proposes solutions for promoting gender equality, such as government leadership and transparency in company pay scales.
coherence cohesion
A well-structured introduction and conclusion frame the essay.
task achievement
The argument is consistently focused on the prompt with relevant examples provided.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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