IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as televisions, friends and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion

#people #factors #child’s #development #televisions #friends #music
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There are various factors influencing
children
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children's
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 lives which get change with
time
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. Nowadays many people think that television,
friends
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 and music play
Add an article
a
show examples
significant role in a
Use synonyms
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 development
while
Linking Words
 some
thik
Correct your spelling
think
 that
parents
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 are still above
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these factors. I will elaborate on it and give my opinions in upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in recent days After
parents
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, toddlers spend most of their
time
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 in front of
television
Add an article
the television
a television
show examples
, watching cartoons or listening to music that
play
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plays
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 a Great
Roll
Correct your spelling
Role
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 in
Use synonyms
Child’s
Correct article usage
a Child’s
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 behaviour ,thinking and temperament level.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the friend circle and type of
friends
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 a
child
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 hang around with
influences
Fix the agreement mistake
influence
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 the thinking of the kid.
For example
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,
a
Correct word choice
if a
show examples
kid
hang
Change the verb form
hangs
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 around With
friends
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 who
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lean towards sports
then
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 he will automatically start making
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
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 towards sports and begin getting better at it
overtime
Correct your spelling
over time
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, children spend their maximum
time
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 at home with their
parents
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,
learn
Correct word choice
and learn
show examples
 many things from their
parents
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.
According to
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 a study conducted by
University
Correct article usage
the University
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 of California ,The Way
parents
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of
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apply
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Talk to each other and their way of showing love to their kid,
determine
Correct subject-verb agreement
determines
show examples
 the character of
Use synonyms
child
Add an article
a child
the child
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 and
also
Linking Words
 whether the
child
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 going to be
introvert
Correct article usage
an introvert
show examples
 or extrovert. In conclusion, there are several factors that influence
child
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 development but
according to
Linking Words
 Me,
friends
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 and music play
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 significant role
Then
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
. as these days
parents
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 are always busy at work and spend less
time
Use synonyms
 with their young ones,
while
Linking Words
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 development completely
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on whom they spend their most
time
Use synonyms
 with.
Submitted by poonam.tushir0099 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay structure is fairly organized, but consider improving paragraph transitions for smoother flow.
task achievement
Ensure you integrate more relevant examples to support your arguments, adding depth to your points.
task achievement
Clarify your opinion more distinctly in the conclusion, tying it back to the discussion points made.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the two sides of the argument and presents your intention to discuss both.
task achievement
You offer a balanced discussion of both sides with fair supporting points.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion naturally flows from the points discussed, offering a clear resolution, even if the opinion is not as strongly developed as it could be.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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