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Band 5

The chart below shows percentages of males and females working for different duration(hours) per week in Australia in 2007.

The chart below shows percentages of males and females working for different duration(hours) per week in Australia in 2007.
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The chart demonstrates the proportion of two genders working for various
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
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(
hours
Use synonyms
) per week in Australia in 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are significantly
high
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 rates in 30-50 working
hours
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, initial working
hours
Use synonyms
 are 0-10 and 10-20 which
women
Use synonyms
 showed more participating numbers than
men
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in other high working
hours
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 trend belonged to
men
Use synonyms
, unlike those over 80. First and foremost, 0-10 job time is 15% in
women
Use synonyms
, but
this
Linking Words
 figure is three times less than in
men
Use synonyms
. The second date is about percentage
likewise
Linking Words
 previous, only percentage in them was decreased, nearly 5%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in 30-50
hours
Use synonyms
 per week, Both genders peaked, 47% in
men
Use synonyms
 and 35% in
women
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, the rating of
men
Use synonyms
 passed
women
Use synonyms
. The Fourth part is 60-80 job period, it is 30% in
men
Use synonyms
 and 17% in
women
Use synonyms
, respectively. In over 80 job time, each of them is equal which is 10%.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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