IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Dose this situation have more advantages or more disadvantage.

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #dose #situation
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A downright variance of view has been observed among the masses regarding working
hours
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.A social segment of society contends that many folks give priority to their Jobs, rather than spending
time
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 with their families.
This
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 trend offers multiple
benefits
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;the main draw is the idea of increased financial capability for the general public and it
also
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benefits
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 communities;
however
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,threats
such
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 as the perils of substandard
health
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 and less
time
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 with their families must not be overlooked.
This
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 essay elaborates on the implied advantages factors and drawbacks of the practice with specific details. To commence with,folks usually face mental and physical
health
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 issues
while
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 doing long
hours
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shifts
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. ,
while
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 doing long
shifts
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,they do not have enough
time
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 to get better and full sleep,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a result,they suffer depression, anxiety and high blood pressure.To illustrate,
according to
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 BBC News,90 per cent population of China have various
health
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 problems,
due to
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 not getting enough
time
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 for rest.
Additionally
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,
while
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 being too busy in constant
shifts
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,they do not spend their
time
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 with their loved ones,
hence
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,they
also
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 lose connection with their children, which
also
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 impacts child development in a negative manner.
On the other hand
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,supporters of
this
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 idea believe that doing constant
shifts
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 gives financial stability to folks.To expand,a person who works long
hours
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shifts
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 gives their children whatever they demand.
Moreover
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,working full
time
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also
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 gives
benefits
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 to the whole country's economy to become more stable,
in other words
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,they
also
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 contribute to community economic development.
For instance
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,
according to
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 CNN NEWS,Japan is developing day by day,and the main reason behind its success is people who are working hard and putting their all efforts into improving
state's
Correct article usage
the state's
show examples
overall
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 condition. To put it briefly,the draw of doing long
hours
Use synonyms
shifts
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such
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 as facing
health
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 problems,
in contrast
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,the
benefits
Use synonyms
 of country development can not be neglected.
Submitted by notkhan01 on

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Task Response
The essay presents a balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of working long hours. However, the introduction can be clearer in stating the position the writer takes on whether this situation has more advantages or disadvantages.
Task Response
Ensure that each main point is thoroughly explained and supported with sufficient examples where relevant, such as more detailed instances of how job prioritization affects family life.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the essay structure is logical, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences to enhance readability and focus, ensuring that the reader can easily follow your line of argumentation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Linking words and transitional phrases are used, but the flow between ideas can be smoother. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices.
Task Response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, listing specific advantages like financial stability and disadvantages like health issues.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, offering a summary of the key points discussed in the essay.
Task Response
The example provided from CNN NEWS about Japan adds authority and real-world applicability to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Work-life balance
  • Burnout
  • Productivity
  • Leisure activities
  • Mental health
  • Physical health
  • Job security
  • Economic benefits
  • Stress management
  • Hypertension
  • Obesity
  • Fatigue
  • Work output
  • Societal expectations
  • Volunteerism
  • Community participation
  • Remote work
  • Technological impact
  • Career goals
  • Professional satisfaction
What to do next:
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