Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government mney should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

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studying academic
subjects
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to develop
skills
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has become more efficient and
revolutionzed
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revolutionised
various fields of employment, globally. It is often said that too much attention is given to student
education
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rather than focusing on
extracuriculum
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extracurricular
extra curriculum
activities
whereas
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some believe that the government should allocate more funds
in
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to
show examples
developing leisure activities, as
this
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could support their
overall
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development.
This
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essay will explain why
equal
Correct article usage
an equal
show examples
amount of resources should be used for both cases. The most common reasons for giving importance to academic
subjects
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seem to be based on enhancing knowledge by using a variety of
subjects
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or developing critical
skills
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. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years,
the
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apply
show examples
engagement
of
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in
show examples
learning academic
syllabus
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syllabi
show examples
and attending seminars to develop problem-solving, interpersonal
skills
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or
decision making
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decision-making
show examples
skills
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has improved the way how people can be successful in various fields.
This
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has not only reduced the stress level but
also
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helped learners to tackle difficult tasks during job interviews, leading to the development of
Correct article usage
a secured
show examples
secured
Replace the word
secure
show examples
future.
For instance
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, when the authorities
spends
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spend
show examples
in
education
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that ensures equal opportunities, reduces inequality and fosters innovation, the expectations of providing
advanced
Correct article usage
an advanced
show examples
education
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system
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
increased, generating more interest in learning new
subjects
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among
young
Add an article
the young
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generation. Leisure
activites alos
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activities also
play a key role in developing physical abilities, creativity, and arts by joining
sport
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sports
show examples
clubs or
extracuriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
extra curriculum
programs, as these essential
skills
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will support to
explore
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exploration
show examples
the
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of the
show examples
hidden talents of candidates
such
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as dancing, singing,
runing
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running
, or painting. After raising funds to improve these
skills
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in schools or colleges, there will be several options for learners to choose their area of interest. Mental disorders,
engaging
Correct word choice
and engaging
show examples
in crime would not be addressed unless these opportunities are provided to students at
very
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a very
show examples
early age, since the young age is very critical to distract them easily. The more
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
focus
to invest
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on investing
show examples
in fostering these
skills
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, the
less
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
crime
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the crime
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rate or abusive environment
there
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be, promoting a sense of community and belonging, which is essential for personal and social development. In conclusion, even though
education
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remained a primary goal of the
authoritie's
Correct your spelling
authorities
expenditure,
extracuriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
extra curriculum
activities
also
Linking Words
deserve equal importance, particularly, in terms of improving physical health and exploring new capabilities.
Submitted by ksimarjeet225 on

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task achievement
Make sure each main point is thoroughly supported with specific examples and explanations. This will help strengthen your argument and provide clear evidence for your claims.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance your logical flow by ensuring that your paragraphs link together more smoothly. Using more transitional phrases and words can help develop clearer connections between ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a solid framework for the essay.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, showing a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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