IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

the working week should be shorter and workers should have a longer weekend. do you agree with it?

It is widely considered that society should decrease working days in a week and employees should take extended weekends. I
strognly
Correct your spelling
strongly
 agree with
this
Linking Words
 proposal, as its advantages offer healthier mental
Use synonyms
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 and greater quality of life.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, one compelling argument supporting my stance is that society has become
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
highly competitive in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
 since companies have been more inclined to pursue immediate tangible
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 that put excessive pressure on employees.
In addition
Linking Words
, the introduction of artificial intelligence has become even more competitive as their competencies
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 capable of taking over straightforward jobs.
As a result
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 environments lead some people to suffer from mental illness,
such
Linking Words
 as depression.
Hence
Linking Words
, reducing job responsibilities can serve as
refreshment
Correct article usage
a refreshment
show examples
, which helps
stay
Verb problem
maintain
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 mental
condition
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
transform
Replace the word
transformation
show examples
 of working
Use synonyms
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 may encourage individuals to spark their interests in new fields. To illustrate, unless having adequate time, people would find it challenging to relax and gain an opportunity to take pleasure in a new activity, which can be involved in a new career in the future.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Japan, it has been reported that some individuals who experienced depression have tended to relocate after recovering
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and launched new businesses in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural areas.
This
Linking Words
 is because relaxation allows people to gain a wider insight
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 society.
Therefore
Linking Words
, extended free time can contribute significantly to enhancing quality of life. In conclusion, from the viewpoint of the benefits,as healthier mental
condition
Use synonyms
 and greater quality of life. I firmly agree with
this
Linking Words
 proposal.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language usage
Ensure consistent verb forms and agreement. For instance, 'society has become a highly competitive' should be 'highly competitive society.'
coherence cohesion
Try to create a smoother flow between ideas within paragraphs to enhance coherence.
introduction
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which helps set the stage for a comprehensive argument.
conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reaffirms your stance on the issue.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples to support the argument, which strengthens the response to the task.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • productivity
  • burnout
  • motivation
  • mental well-being
  • work-life balance
  • job satisfaction
  • pollution levels
  • traffic congestion
  • consumer spending
  • economic implications
  • leisure and service sectors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: