IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drinks contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drinks #levels #sugar #health #products #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Sugar
Use synonyms
 is often used
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 high quantities in the food and drink industry, which raises more and more
health
Use synonyms
 issues. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because it will reduce the risk of getting
diseases
Use synonyms
 and encourage the food
manufactories
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
show examples
 to reduce the level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in their products.
On
Correct your spelling
One
show examples
 of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 that I agree
is
Change preposition
with is
show examples
 if the
sugar
Use synonyms
 market
prices
Use synonyms
increased
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
 and the consumers can’t afford to buy those
sugar
Use synonyms
 products,
this
Linking Words
 will reduce the
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption.
In addition
Linking Words
, high
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption is the main cause of
diseases
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes type 2 and obesity. Those
diseases
Use synonyms
 have been considered as a
health
Use synonyms
 issue for its complications.
Rais
Correct your spelling
Raising
show examples
 the
prices
Use synonyms
 will help to prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
such
Linking Words
diseases
Use synonyms
 and increase the
health
Use synonyms
 rates in the societies.
For example
Linking Words
, many children around the world suffer from being overweight because of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 addiction to
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
cheap manufactured sweets. More to add,
sugar
Use synonyms
 is used by these factories because of the low value and the
sugar
Use synonyms
 capabilities to be addicted. That will return to those companies with high profits and
cheap
Correct word choice
low
show examples
 production costs. Increasing the
prices
Use synonyms
 will reduce the use of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in their product because of the
low profit
Add a hyphen
low-profit
show examples
 rate and the shortage of customers.
This
Linking Words
 will encourage them to replace it with better supplements with more nutritional value.
For instance
Linking Words
, in my
country
Add a comma
country,
show examples
 Saudia Arabia taxis have been assembled doubling the
prices
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
energy
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
 for
it
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 side effects and
this
Linking Words
Add a missing verb
has lead
show examples
lead
Replace the word
led
show examples
 to reduce the energy drink market
costumers
Correct your spelling
customers
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
sugar
Use synonyms
prices
Use synonyms
 ought to increase because
sugar
Use synonyms
 is related to many
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
Also
Linking Words
, that will be beneficial for the community’s
health
Use synonyms
. And it will encourage the
sugar
Use synonyms
 manufacturers to decrease the level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 usage in their products.
Submitted by ra5an-r on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to use linking words more effectively to connect ideas within paragraphs, which will enhance the logical structure and flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present; however, the conclusion can be more robust by summarizing the key points from the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Ensure each argument in the essay is thoroughly supported with evidence or examples. Providing more specific examples can strengthen the arguments.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task by presenting clear arguments supporting the idea that sugary products should be made more expensive.
coherence cohesion
The arguments are well-organized, showing a clear logical progression from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly outline and wrap up the essay's main points, giving it a strong frame.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: