IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays children play computer games for long hours. They do not play old traditional games. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think it influences children in a good or bad way?

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In
this
Linking Words
 world, technology is growing day by day. It gives us multifarious benefits
along with
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 drawbacks. Nowadays,
Children
Use synonyms
 do not like to play with their siblings and family. They prefer to spend their
time
Use synonyms
 in front of a screen
while
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 playing or reading.
Definitely
Add a comma
Definitely,
show examples
 it
puts
Verb problem
has
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very
Add an article
a very
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 poor impact on
childrens
Change to a genitive case
children's
show examples
 health and career. I am discussing causes and effects in my upcoming paragraphs. To commence that,
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 levels of
games
Use synonyms
 are available
in
Change preposition
on
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 every computer. A child can collect coins and even earn some
amonut
Correct your spelling
amount
 of money
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 playing these
games
Use synonyms
.
That is
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 why
children
Use synonyms
 prefer to use computers for entertainment
as well as
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 financial support.
Moreover
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, traditional
games
Use synonyms
required
Wrong verb form
require
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 many skills
such
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 as patience,
co operation
Correct your spelling
cooperation
show examples
, teamwork, and adjustments.
In these
Change preposition
These
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 days,
children
Use synonyms
 are deprived
from
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 these
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
skills. They do not like to interfere in
others
Change noun form
others'
other's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 and same wants
from
Change preposition
as
show examples
next
Correct article usage
the next
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 one.
In other words
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, they love peace and calm. So
like
Correct pronoun usage
I like
show examples
 to on
computer
Add an article
the computer
show examples
 and start entertaining
byself
Correct your spelling
myself
.
Furthermore
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, it affects very badly to health and career.
Firstly
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,
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in front of
screen
Correct article usage
a screen
show examples
 cause multifarious physical and psychological problems
such
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 as eye strain,
cataract
Fix the agreement mistake
cataracts
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,
glucoma
Correct your spelling
glaucoma
 and anxiety.
Next,
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children
Use synonyms
 can not achieve career goals appropriately
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 they spend most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in game playing and can not concentrate on their academic qualifications. No doubt, they can become
champion
Fix the agreement mistake
champions
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 in
extra curricular
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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 activities and
failure
Replace the word
fail
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 in education.
Last
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 but not least, one
time
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 a child will
deattach
Correct your spelling
detach
reattach
 from his roots because he will
unaware
Add a missing verb
be unaware
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 his traditional
games
Use synonyms
 and other important things.
To conclude
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that
Correct word choice
apply
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,
children
Use synonyms
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
need to maintain
balance
Add an article
a balance
the balance
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 between traditional and advanced
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 if they really
wants
Change the verb form
want
show examples
 to enjoy their life perfectly.

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task achievement
Try to provide specific and relevant examples to support your points. This can make your argument more convincing and well-rounded.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly transitions to the next. This helps in enhancing the flow of your essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your ideas.
language
Pay attention to grammar and spelling. While they are not major factors here due to small inaccuracies, improving them can make your essay clearer and more professional.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, providing a clear start and finish to your essay.
task achievement
You've identified some key reasons why children prefer computer games over traditional games, which shows a fair understanding of the topic.
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