IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Finding appropriate and adequate job vacancies to apply for is increasingly arduous and difficult. Some employers ask individuals for leisure activities
such
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 as hobbies and interests,
as well as
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 marital status. Some individuals agree with
this
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 practice, believing it is necessary for a comprehensive curriculum vitae,
while
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 others disagree with
this
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 view. I roughly agree with the former. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the different opinions regarding
this
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 issue and provide a balanced perspective. On the one hand, personal
information
Use synonyms
 is essential for employment as it helps managers find the best candidates. Some managers try to gather data about hobbies, interests, spouses, and the number of children and family background.
For example
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, if a company knows about an employee’s marital status and number of children, they can provide suitable monthly payments and benefits.
Additionally
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, recruiters can find positions based on applicants’ interests.
Therefore
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, knowing the personal
information
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 of employees is beneficial for employers.
On the other hand
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, many people believe that collecting private
information
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 is against human rights and personal privacy.
For instance
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, personal details
such
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 as religion and nationality, which are not relevant to the occupation, are unnecessary.
For example
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, in an IT company in Australia, it is not important to know about an applicant’s country of origin. What matters most are their experience and theoretical and practical training in IT.
Moreover
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, questions about personal
information
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 can be intrusive and uncomfortable for many people. In conclusion, I strongly believe that employers should balance the collection of personal
information
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 with job-related details.
While
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 understanding leisure activities and personal background can be beneficial, it should not overshadow the importance of working experience and academic qualifications.

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task achievement
Ensure that you have a clear thesis statement in your introduction that briefly outlines your main points.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a consistent stance throughout your essay, particularly in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more varied transitions and linking words to make the progression of your ideas clearer.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views of the topic and provides a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear central idea which enhances readability.
task achievement
The essay provides examples that clarify the points being made.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
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