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Writing Samples
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
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Nowadays, there is
lot
Add an article
a lot
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 of burden on young individuals to succeed academically.
Hence
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, some people think that
subjects
Use synonyms
 like sports and cookery should be removed so that kids can concentrate on academic
subjects
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. I disagree with
this
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 statement because it helps in
overall
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 development and
such
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life
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skills
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helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 in future
The courses
Correct article usage
Courses
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 like physical education
plays
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play
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 a vital role in shaping
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health.
That is
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 to say, youngsters usually
spends
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spend
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 a lot of time studying and they forget the importance of physical activity in one’s
life
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 which eventually leads them to obese and lethargic.
Additionally
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports make them learn
skills
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 like
to be
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being
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 social,
competitive
Correct word choice
and competitive
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 and
also
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makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
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 them focus on their goal. The more we rely on these
skills
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 the more active the pupil will be in his academics.
For instance
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, school kids generally participate in sports which makes them feel rejuvenating and they can focus more on their studies which makes them outstanding in every field. Another reason
that
Add a missing verb
is that
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 cooking is
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life
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a life
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skill
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 which will help an individual in future.
In other words
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, these household
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skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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is
Verb problem
apply
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a survival
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skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 which is essential in everybody’s
life
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. One cannot survive
with
Change preposition
without
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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skills
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.
This
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 type of
skill
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 helps a person to learn how to balance things in his
life
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.
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Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 these
skills
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also
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helps
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help
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 in one career, as few opt to make
career
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a career
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 in
this
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 field as they cannot bear the pressure of academics which results
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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in mental health issues.
For example
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, kids have ample opportunities to make
career
Correct article usage
a career
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 apart from basic studies and they tend to become a chef. In conclusion,
while
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 academic
subjects
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 are essential for studies,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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they
also
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 contribute to student’s
overall
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 development. I believe that non-academic
subjects
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 the important in
todays’
Change noun form
today’s
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 world as they help in one’s personal and professional growth.
Submitted by ekta.grover.ca on

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Coherence and Cohesion
While your arguments are clear, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence to better outline your main points. This will improve the logical structure of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
A stronger, more concise introduction and conclusion can help guide the reader through your arguments. Summarize the main points briefly in both.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. For example, mention studies or statistics if possible.
Task Achievement
You provide clear and logical arguments for the inclusion of non-academic subjects in the school syllabus.
Task Achievement
The essay stays focused on the topic and maintains relevance throughout.
Coherence and Cohesion
The use of transition words like 'in conclusion' helps guide the reader through your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
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