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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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It is said that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 removing non-academic from the school syllabus is essential to
enhances
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enhance
show examples
 pupil focus on
academic
Add an article
the academic
show examples
 curriculum.
This
Linking Words
 essay strongly disagrees with the above statement mentioned, for two main reasons.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
introduced
Wrong verb form
introducing
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intertimant
Correct your spelling
interment
internment
 subjects to
curriculum
Correct article usage
the curriculum
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
cook
Wrong verb form
cooking
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 or
exercise
Correct subject-verb agreement
exercises
show examples
it’s
Verb problem
,
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 assessing them to reduce
stress
Add an article
the stress
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 of study.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
discovered
Wrong verb form
discover
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 the passions or
skills
Use synonyms
 the children have.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
supporting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
adding unacademic materials like, cook, texture and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 football to
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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 approaches
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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relieves the
exhausting
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exhaustion
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 faced
the
Change preposition
by the
show examples
 learner during learn process. To illustrate, when they
doing
Wrong verb form
do
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 something as
group
Add an article
a group
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 and do not require more concern it takes them out of excessive thinking
due to
Linking Words
, they
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
this
Linking Words
 time
in
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on
show examples
 hand or foot
skills
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it fosters
social
Correct article usage
a social
show examples
 attitude because
,
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apply
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 they work as teamwork. The research conducted by Cambridge
university
Capitalize word
University
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,
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apply
show examples
 can be a prime example, they compared
results
Correct article usage
the results
show examples
 of students between two schools. One without
intertainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 programs and
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 with
skills
Use synonyms
 programs the finding was. Students get a higher degree
they
Correct word choice
if they
show examples
registration
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register
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 second school.
Additionally
Linking Words
, encouraging introduced non-academic
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 may discovering
on
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apply
show examples
the talent or hobby the pupil
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other words,
practice
Wrong verb form
practising
show examples
 more
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities is
show examples
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 significant route to know their passion and develop
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
skills
Use synonyms
. Player Majed Alharbi in Saudi,
for instance
Linking Words
, he famous player and he was
achievement
Add an article
an achievement
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 to a lot of
victory
Change to a plural noun
victories
show examples
 during his
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 he was begging from schools. In conclusion, I firmly agree that introducing skill subjects
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 crucial for
improve
Change the verb form
improving
show examples
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
psychology
Replace the word
psychological
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 state and
discovered
Wrong verb form
discovering
show examples
 their
skills
Use synonyms
.

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Grammar and Sentence Structure
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar to make your ideas clearer. Consider revising sentences for clarity and fluency.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas logically. Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next.
Relevance of Examples
While you have provided relevant examples, make sure they are clearly tied to your main points and add depth to your argument.
Argument Support
Strengthen your arguments by providing more detailed support and evidence for your claims.
Task Response
You provided a comprehensive response to the task by addressing the prompt and giving reasons for your opinion.
Structure
The essay included both an introduction and a conclusion, helping to structure your response.
Use of Examples
You used relevant examples to support your main points, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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