IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than younger people in many countries. Is this a positive or negative development?

#future #proportion #people #countries #development
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It is a true fact,
the
Correct word choice
that the
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 rates of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 will increase rather than the
youngsters
Fix the agreement mistake
youngster
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 rates in lots of nations in the years to come.
While
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 there are some critical issues in
this
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 situation, but not many advantages here. On the one hand,
this
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 issue can pose some difficulties to
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 and society,
such
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 as
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of workforce and
emotionally
Replace the word
emotions
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.
For instance
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, some municipalities of countries offer men to their countries for marriage with national girls because of
rates
Fix the agreement mistake
rate
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 of birth is decreasing day by day. Even propose some cash and houses for foreign men who marry
with
Change preposition
apply
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international girls from different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of
other
Correct word choice
apply
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countries. In recent days, so many towns
has
Change the verb form
have
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 not
more
Add a missing verb
had more
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 men than women, leading
some
Change preposition
to some
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 stress and discouragement among some girls emotionally .
This
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 is
totally
Add an article
a totally
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 negative development.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 going to be
true
Add an article
a true
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 fact, the proportion of older
people
Use synonyms
 growing than younger
people
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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, there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 not many benefits for society.
However
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, the main benefit for
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 is elderly
people
Use synonyms
 working in education systems, particularly high
school
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schools
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 and universities. Because we
are needed
Wrong verb form
need
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 teachers and professors to teach some young generations about different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of subjects. In conclusion, if government interventions and individual efforts try to combat
this
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 problem, maybe there are some solutions to remove it.
However
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, there are so many drawbacks here.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Develop a clearer structure for your essay. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a clear main point.
task achievement
Offer more detailed examples and explanations to support your main points.
task achievement
The essay does attempt to address both sides of whether an aging population is a positive or negative development.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion on this topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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