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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000
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The two bar charts illustrate the
prorortion
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proportion
 of two genders employments aged between 60-64 in four
diffrent
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different
 countries in 1970 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
,
Men
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The
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 was the dominant in all given countries during 1970,
while
Linking Words
 the 2000 record the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
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 number of employment.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
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Correct article usage
the women
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women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
percentage
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 during 1970 was at
highest
Add an article
the highest
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 point in
Japan
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 and
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Beigium
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Belgium
,
while
Linking Words
Australia
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 and
USA
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was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 with the highest
percentage
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 in 2000.
On
Change preposition
At
show examples
 the onset, during 1970 ,men
score
Wrong verb form
scored
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 the peak of the number of employment in
Japan
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 with 84%
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
Beigium
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Belgium
record
Wrong verb form
recorded
show examples
 the second position with 79%
although
Linking Words
,
Australia
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 and
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Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
USA
Change noun form
USA's
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 was 74%,73% (
respectivly
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respectively
).
Hwever
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However
,
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Correct article usage
the women
show examples
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 proportion was
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
43% and 36% for both
Japan
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 and
USA
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respectivly
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respectively
.
Australia
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 was
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
18%
while
Linking Words
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Beigium
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Belgium
 was 8% which
record
Wrong verb form
recorded
show examples
 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 between both
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
 and
women
Use synonyms
 that year. During 2000,
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 proportion decreased to peak at 76% in
Japan
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while
Linking Words
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
Use synonyms
percentage
Change the wording
percentages
show examples
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
clise
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close
 to each other for all three countries.
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Women
Change noun form
Women's
show examples
precentages
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percentages
 faced a slight increase in
poth
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the
USA
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 and
Australia
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 with 38% and 19%
respectivly
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respectively
 the number of employment
droped
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dropped
 in
Japan
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addition
Change preposition
in addition
show examples
 to
Use synonyms
Beigium
Correct your spelling
Belgium
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, women, japan, beigium, australia, usa with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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