IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
This
Linking Words
 essay attempts to argue that foods and beverages containing excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 might impact health.
However
Linking Words
,
instead
Linking Words
 of blindly elevating the price of sugary
products
Use synonyms
, a more effective approach would be to reduce the
sugar
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 in the
products
Use synonyms
 themselves.
Sugar
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 added to food and drink
products
Use synonyms
 in the market these days in order to enhance their tastes and
hence
Linking Words
 attract consumers, but
this
Linking Words
 could bring about a range of diseases.
According to
Linking Words
 some statistics, around 30% of the food items, and more than 75% of the beverages in the market contain additive
sugar
Use synonyms
 that surpasses the standard amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake for an individual per food consumption. These high-
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 pose challenges to human bodies which are grappling with digesting and absorbing
overdose
Wrong verb form
overdosed
show examples
 sugars, leading to not only physical but
also
Linking Words
 mental diseases. The rise in diabetes and high blood pressure
diagnosis
Fix the agreement mistake
diagnoses
show examples
 recently shows a link with
this
Linking Words
 high-
sugar
Use synonyms
 market.
In addition
Linking Words
, research has shown that undue
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake could indirectly cause a lower concentration
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and even depression. Perhaps the first suggestion that would come out as a solution to the current situation is to increase the price of
sugar
Use synonyms
, but it could not act as a long-term strategy. It is highly likely that lifting up
cost
Correct article usage
the cost
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
 could not
expect
Wrong verb form
be expected
show examples
 its end goal -- discouraging
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
consumption. Consumers who rely heavily on those sugary items might still invest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them, even with much more money. In
Correct article usage
the long-term
show examples
long-term
Correct your spelling
long term
show examples
, not only the health issues could not be addressed, but the economy might
also
Linking Words
 experience a decline
due to
Linking Words
 the drop in
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 level of the customers. A more
preferrable
Correct your spelling
preferable
show examples
 tactic could be to limit the
sugar
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 in
products
Use synonyms
 by formulating regulations. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 essay
argued
Wrong verb form
argues
show examples
 that high-level
sugar
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 could
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 various
pyhsical
Correct your spelling
physical
 and mental health issues. It
also
Linking Words
 suggests that making
sugar
Use synonyms
 more expensive could not effectively address the problem,
instead
Linking Words
,
sugar
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 should be diminished inherently from the
products
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your points. For instance, citing specific studies or providing more detailed statistics can enhance your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph is well-developed with clear supporting points. Expanding on some of the ideas could improve the clarity and depth of the argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear position on the issue, arguing against raising the price of sugary products.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with distinct sections for introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion reiterates the main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: