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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think parents should control the behaviour of children from a very young age but others think we should give them more freedom. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 assert that
parents
Use synonyms
 should monitor
children
Use synonyms
's actions from an early age,
whereas
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 others contend that they should be given more
freedom
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their behaviours.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and will conclude with personal viewpoints. First and foremost, one compelling argument supporting the former notion is that offering parental discipline during formative years can help
sharp
Replace the word
sharpen
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 their personalities and academic performances. To clarify, young
people
Use synonyms
 tend to analyse whether their actions are good or bad from
parents
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' reactions during childhood, which is vital to
gain
Wrong verb form
gaining
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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moral behaviour in the later years.
Hence
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, parental supervision can foster their morality. As for academic outcomes,
For example
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, households having a reading habit are more likely to cultivate
a
Correct article usage
apply
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reading comprehension among young
people
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.
Therefore
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, parental involvement in their
children
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 can enhance not only morality but
also
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 academic outcomes. Despite the advantages of parental monitoring, one major advantage
about
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of
show examples
 the latter notion is that offering
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 can foster dependency and
responsibility
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, which are essential in today's fast-paced society. To illustrate,
children
Use synonyms
 can opt for their movements on their own, meaning that they have to consider the results of their actions and take on the
responsibility
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of
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for
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 their consequences.
In other words
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, they can pursue their ideal paths for their future without physical and mental barriers from
parents
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, leading to unexpected benefits for their growth.
For instance
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,
children
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 would explore nature,
such
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 as nearby mountains and lakes, which
otherwise
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 they have not considered with their
parents
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.
As a result
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, they may gain a deep appreciation for the wildlife through exciting explorations.
Hence
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, the
freedom
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 of
choices
Fix the agreement mistake
choice
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 can develop autonomy,
responsibility
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 and competencies that
parents
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 have not targeted. In conclusion,
while
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 parental monitoring is beneficial to develop their educational performances and behaviours,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom
Use synonyms
 can cultivate their autonomy and
responsibility
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. In my opinion, to thrive in
this
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 society, since
people
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 should have collaborative and supportive behaviours to some extent,
parents
Use synonyms
 should take care of them regularly.

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, while the response addresses both sides of the argument and provides a personal opinion, there could be more thorough exploration of counterarguments or additional perspectives. This would enhance the depth of the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure the essay maintains a consistent flow by using more transitional words and phrases. This will help ensure that each part of the essay is naturally connected to the next.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, clearly setting the stage for the discussion and summarizing the main points effectively.
Task Achievement
The arguments presented are relevant and supported with specific examples, which enhance the overall argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay does a good job presenting and supporting the main points. The logical structure is evident throughout, leading the reader logically from one point to the next.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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