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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of workers from five different European countries that were absent for a day or more due to illness from 1991 to 2001.

The graph below shows the percentage of workers from five different European countries that were absent for a day or more due to illness from 1991 to 2001.
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The line graphs
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the percentage of
workers
Use synonyms
 with illness absence in five European
countries
Use synonyms
ove
Correct your spelling
over
 the one decade,
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
 1991 to 2001. It is evident that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
Correct article usage
the absences
show examples
absences
Fix the agreement mistake
absence
show examples
 of
labours
Correct your spelling
labourers
show examples
 from
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 for the disease showcases the
drastically
Change the adverb
drastic
show examples
 fluctuation in 3
countries
Use synonyms
, including
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
, France, and Sweden, during
Correct article usage
a ten-years
show examples
ten-years
Correct your spelling
ten-year
show examples
 period;
whereas
Linking Words
, the
workers
Use synonyms
 of two
contries-UK
Correct your spelling
countries
 and
Geramny
Correct your spelling
Germany
 remain steadily. Regarding
years
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
 from 1990 to 1996, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of ill
workers
Use synonyms
 absent from their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
, dropped from 4.8% to about 4.1 %,
while
Linking Words
 in
this
Linking Words
 period, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of their counterparts in France declined from 5% to about 3%, which demonstrates the significant variation.
However
Linking Words
 the
absent
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
proportion of absent
workers
Use synonyms
 in
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 3
countries
Use synonyms
, including Sweden,
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
, and Germany remains in the the same range,
repectively
Correct your spelling
respectively
. From
the the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
1996 to 2001, the
absences
Correct quantifier usage
number of absences
show examples
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased in
Netherland
Fix the agreement mistake
Netherlands
show examples
 and Sweden, respectively from 4.1% to 5.4% and from about 3% to 4.8%,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 proportion
remains
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 the same in
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 3
countries
Use synonyms
, France, UK, and Germany.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
percentage
show examples
 of
workers
Use synonyms
 with illness absence is highest in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
 almost by 5.4% in
compare
Replace the word
comparison
show examples
 to other
counties
Correct your spelling
countries
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words workers, countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remain" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 3 times.
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