IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that having a set retirement age( 65 years) for everybody regardless of occupation is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive pension at earlier age. • Do you agree? • Which type of worker do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reason for your answer and include any recent example from your knowledge of experience.

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Irrefutable,each organization has their own rule and policy for the leave of its employees.
Whereas
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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a number of individuals assert that it is not fair to fix a
retirement
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life
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that is
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 65 years,others feel that certain professionals ought to receive their plan
as well as
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 pension at an early
time
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.
According to
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 me, no matter what kind of occupation any human being chooses for their career,the
retirement
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age
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 should be set at a younger period as there are many reasons behind
this
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such
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 as an increased employment rate,more innovative ideas and minds with the passage of
time
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. There are numerous factors why the early period of
quiting
Correct your spelling
quitting
 a job is better.
Firstly
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,the rate of jobs in various fields would be inclined to others.
Hence
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,it will be a good chance for youngsters,who want to settle and earn a handsome salary
while
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 settling into the public sectors
such
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 as government jobs.
Secondly
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, retired masses have enough
time
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 to spend a good quality of
time
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 with their families and
also
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 strengthen their relationships.
For instance
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, army employed person does not have
time
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 to enjoy a
life
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 full of joy after the
retirement
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age
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 of 65 years as during that
time
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 span community has a lot of responsibilities on their shoulders and
also
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 not strong physically
as well as
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 mentally.
Therefore
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,the specific
age
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 of
retirement
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 should be as early as 40 years .
Therefore
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,people enjoy the rest of
life
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 with their loved ones without any policies.
However
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,construction employees,doctors and the defence public are highly required to retire at an early
age
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 because they do very hard during their on-duty
age
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.They act as "
life
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-saving" for their nation.
For example
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, army soldiers keep an eagle eye on the enemy during their duty and save the lives of others.If they do not retire at a young period of
life
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,
then
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 they get depressed and
also
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 face a number of health issues
due to
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 the risky career on the borders. In conclusion,
although
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,
retirement
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 at an early
age
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 is unfair for people as they do not earn as much as they want in their
life
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 during their assignment,there are myriad benefits as the
life
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 of
retirement
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 should be set as early maturity because the door of opportunities can be opened for upcoming generations and
also
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 good for retired persons,who enjoy their remaining growth without any tension and worries.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your main ideas are clear and distinct. Each paragraph should have a distinct main point that supports your overall argument. Linking sentences will help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
task achievement
Incorporate more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments, making them stronger and more persuasive.
task achievement
Avoid repetitive phrases and ensure varied sentence structures to enhance clarity and engagement.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides an introduction and conclusion, framing your argument well.
task achievement
You address both sides of the argument, acknowledging different viewpoints.
task achievement
You effectively identify certain professions that might require early retirement, supporting this with reasoning related to job demands and health.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • pension
  • occupations
  • unfair
  • physical labor
  • risk exposure
  • health impact
  • mental stress
  • hazardous materials
  • emotional strain
  • skill obsolescence
  • technological advancements
  • eligible
  • long-term health risks
  • provisions for early retirement
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