IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In modern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. Why has this change occurred? Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home

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Nowadays, adolescents prefer to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 with their
friends
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instead
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 of with their families because of the improvement in technology compared to the past.
Moreover
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, I believe that
parents
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 should not limit their
children
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 to hanging out with their
friends
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 in order to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 with their family. First of all, with the significant changes in the technology field, organising
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
 and supporting
friendship
Fix the agreement mistake
friendships
show examples
 became more convenient
due to
Linking Words
 social media and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 which is why the new generation
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to spend
time
Use synonyms
 with peers.
Hence
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, the
time
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regualtion
Correct your spelling
regulation
 changed
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is why
parents
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 are receiving less attention at present.
For example
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,
according to
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 a recent survey, adolescents have approximately two times more
friends
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 compared to their
parents
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 at the same age.
Additionally
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,
children
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 are able to effortlessly support
the
Change the word
their
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with these
friends
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 via social media
such
Linking Words
 as Instagram, Telegram, or Whatsapp.
However
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,
parents
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 should never limit the communication between
children
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due to
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 the negative consequences
with
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of
show examples
 social adaptation in the future.
This
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 is mostly because individuals are likely to develop their social skills in their childhood, especially in schools. To illustrate, the recent study provided
an information
Remove the article
information
a piece of information
show examples
 that the absolute majority of people said that they found their first
friends
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 at school.
Therefore
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, restricting a child
to meet
Change preposition
from meeting
show examples
 his friend is not only cruel but
also
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 negative for his future.
To conclude
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,
it is clear that
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children
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 nowadays are likely to choose
hanging
Change the verb form
to hang
show examples
 out with their
acquaentances
Correct your spelling
acquaintances
 rather than with their relatives because of the
advaced
Correct your spelling
advanced
 gadgets.
Nevertheless
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, despite
this
Linking Words
 trend, family should not force their
children
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 to stay at home and communicate with their
parents
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 since conversation with peers is essential for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future social adaptation in society.

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task achievement
Consider improving your introduction by directly stating the reasons for the change in children's time allocation between family and friends, which would enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to check spellings such as 'regualtion' and 'acquaentances' as they can distract from the writing quality.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that all sentences within the paragraph strongly relate to this main idea, as it can help reinforce the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
The essay presents a relevant and clear argument regarding the impact of technology on children's relationships.
task achievement
You provided a solid example about the number of friends adolescents have, which illustrates your point effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Academic commitments
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Technology and social media
  • Peer acceptance
  • Independence
  • Family dynamics
  • Cultural norms
  • Individualism
  • Parental enforcement
  • Family bonds
  • Social development
  • Autonomy versus guidance
What to do next:
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