IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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In
this
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 modern world, it is often argued that
,
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apply
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 schools should only focus on academics of the pupil which are concentrated more towards science and technology.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 statement because automatic 'machines and robots' are our future.
While
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 the courses like social sciences and cookery can be studied through the newly developed online learning platforms.
Firstly
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, In the
last
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 few
years
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years,
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 humans have achieved great success in the field of 'Automation' and 'AI'. Work which requires physical effort or manpower can easily be completed by providing
simple
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a simple
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 set of instructions to the machine from smart
phone
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smartphone
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 and
that is
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pnly
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only
 possible through focusing on academic subjects like maths and science which are better taught during
the
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apply
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school time.
For example
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, the job of a 'Cashier' at any grocery store, nowadays
have
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has
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 been replaced by an 'Automated
self check out
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self-checkout
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 system'. Where you just need to scan items and pay through the bank cards.
Secondly
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, after the covid-19 we have seen a number of ways to study online. there are several websites that
offers
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offer
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free of cost
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free-of-cost
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 learning across various subjects like cooking, teaching healthy
lifestyle
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lifestyles
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 for human beings and even some assistance in doing homework
of
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for
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 the children.
Moreover
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, these online sessions are recorded
while
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 giving the lectures.
Thus
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, it is flexible to attend the class
during
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at
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 any time of the day.
Finally
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, it is a good practice to remove the
extra curricular
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extracurricular
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 subjects from the syllabus which can learned through different methods. Schools must focus on the academic topics which are useful for them in
near
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the near
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 future.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your position and the rationale behind it. Use more formal language when stating your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your paragraphs by clearly linking your ideas with cohesive devices such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally'.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammatical errors, like 'is pnly' instead of 'is only'. Proofreading can enhance your clarity.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and provides a clear opinion on the necessity of focusing on academics.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples to support your points, which adds strength to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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