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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below show the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did the regular physical activity in 2010

The bar chart below show the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did the regular physical activity in 2010
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The bar graph
demonstrate
Change the verb form
demonstrates
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 percentages of
Austuralian
Correct your spelling
Australian
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercising regularly. Classified by their
age
Use synonyms
 into bands in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, There is a good indicator that among
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
age
Use synonyms
 groups and for both genders there is interest
of
Change preposition
in
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 doing regular activities
by
Change preposition
apply
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away
Correct your spelling
way
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 that there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 no massive changes in expenditures generally. To elaborate, the
age
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 group
45
Change preposition
of 45
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 to 54 of women reach
to
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apply
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the peak
by
Change preposition
of
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 53.3% which is the highest
over
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among
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 the others including young males
thosed
Correct your spelling
those
 aged from 15 to 24 who
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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second place by 52.8% .
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the females surpassed the men five times
as
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in
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 the following 25-34, 25-34, 45-54, 55-64, 65 and
over aged
Add a hyphen
over-aged
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 groups by 48.9, 52.5, 53.3, 53 , and
lastly
Linking Words
 47.1
accordingly
Linking Words
 .
In
Linking Words
contrast
Add a comma
contrast,
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 the men did more activity than women
by
Change preposition
in
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 only one group which is the
age
Use synonyms
 between 15 to 24 by a percentage of 52.8

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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