IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufacturd food and drinks contain high levels of sugar,which causes many health problems.Sugary products should be made more expensive o encourage peopleto consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, most factories contain high levels of
sugar
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 to attract
people
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 to buy from them, which is a terrible habit because it can lead to health problems. Some
people
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 argue that factories should make food and
drinks
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 more expensive or encourage folks to consume less
sugar
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. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement. In
this
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 essay, I will explain my reasons and draw a logical conclusion. On the one hand, there are some reasons why government should contain less sugary foods and
drinks
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. First and foremost, more
sugar
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 in food can lead to damage to the body of
people
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for example
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 diabetes, toothache, and headaches. In fact,
according to
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 the survey kids consume and buy foods and
drinks
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 that contain high levels of
sugar
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 like candy, soft
drinks
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, and chocolate.
As a result
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,
this
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 will impact them, especially in academic performance because more
sugar
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 makes kids less focused, and it distracts their minds.
Moreover
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, the government should encourage
people
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 to buy foods that have less
sugar
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for example
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 by advice
people
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 from advertisements or on TV to inform them about the bad effects of high levels of
sugar
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.
In addition
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, schools and parents should prevent their kids from
sugar
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. A prime example of
that is
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 in Oman schools they prevent all kinds of candy
consequently
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;
this
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 will lead to a healthy body and focusing more
while
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 they are studying. In conclusion, sweets have significant problems in the body of
people
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 like diabetes, toothache, and headaches which will affect them badly on
people
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. I assert that the government should prevent all kinds of candy for children. .

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task achievement
Clarify and strengthen your main arguments. Make sure each point is not just mentioned but fully explained and linked back to the main argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all sentences flow smoothly into each other, perhaps by using more linking words or phrases to connect ideas.
task achievement
You have a clear stance on the issue, and your introduction effectively sets up the essay's purpose.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of examples, like the situation in Oman schools, helps to illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • manufactured food and drinks
  • high levels of sugar
  • health problems
  • sugary products
  • consume less sugar
  • public health benefits
  • obesity rates
  • diabetes and heart disease
  • behavioral economics
  • healthier alternatives
  • economic implications
  • generate additional revenue
  • consumer freedom
  • dietary choices
  • socioeconomic impact
  • low-income individuals
  • education and awareness
  • financial penalties
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