IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

10. Talk about a job that helps making the work better place: What the job is? How you learn about it ? Why do you think it helps so much? And explain why do you think it make the world better place.

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I believe that culinary brings
color
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colour
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 to the
work
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 environment because the creative art level of
this
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work
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 is peaceful and joyful, I researched
this
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 job by myself and understand the values like starting my own company in the future. Plus, the majority of the world's population generating income depends on working under someone for their entire life if we could learn skills like baking, cooking, and creating new drinks like coffee, tea, and other soft drinks most of them can become entrepreneurs and give job opportunity to the youngsters
this
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 could lead to make some changes in globally. During my free time, I frequently use social media and news channels and I gain some knowledge about working for some other would never change my life or better environment so I did more and more research to do some skills jobs
finally
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 I got some techniques to improve ideas in Hospitality, And I choose to create new menus and I started a small cafe adding new dishes and drinks it brings major success in
this
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 field later I open few more restaurants locally and national wide It boost my economy and my freedom
then
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 I thought, later on, I start the culinary school in my village and I provide the importance of gaining knowledge in skill
work
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. and, advise
this
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 generation to start up some skill
work
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 in the latest technology base because I think working for other never bring a better balance
life
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of life
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 to the future. Learning some personal skills can boost self-confidence to start a business.
Also
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, improvement in
economically
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economics
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 nowadays more people have become homeless
due to
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 depending on
others
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others'
other's
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work
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 any time they could
fire
Add a missing verb
be fire
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 from that job but if we have our own shops we can develop the
Use synonyms
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
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 and
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 world.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and develops a single idea to improve overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Consider more structured transitions between your points to enhance the logical flow of your essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and details about how culinary work creates opportunities for others.
task achievement
Clarify the connection between personal entrepreneurship and improving the workplace to make the argument more compelling.
content
The essay presents a passionate viewpoint about the culinary field and its impact on entrepreneurship.
content
There is a clear personal connection and motivation behind pursuing a culinary career which adds depth to the response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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