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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Negative outcomes with solutions of playing computer games.

One of the conspicuous trends of today's world is a colossal upsurge in the usage of
computers
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 for playing games in almost every part of the world, thanks to the advancement in technology. There are myriad consequences of playing games on
computers
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, which will be discussed with potential solutions in the subsequent paragraphs. At the onset, there are a plethora of negative outcomes of using excessive amounts of
computer
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computers
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.
Firstly
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, it can have a detrimental impact on the social development of children. Individuals who spend the majority of their
time
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 with
computers
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 in games and other activities tend to be less social and do not prefer to spend enough
time
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 with friends and family.
As a result
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, they lack social development and become shy and underconfident.
Moreover
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, the physical health of pupils can
also
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 be hindered by staying in front of
computers
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 for long hours. It
does
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apply
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not only hampers their physical growth
due to
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 the lack of outdoor activities but
also
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 leads them to impaired vision because of the harmful blue rays emitted by electronic devices. Needless to say, all these repercussions have a far-reaching impact on the
overall
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 development of teenagers.
However
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, some effective steps must be taken in order to tackle the issue of spending too much
time
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Use synonyms
time
Remove the redundancy
apply
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on
computer
Add an article
the computer
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. The primary one is that parents should make some vigilant efforts. They should strictly limit the number of hours spent on
computer
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computers
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 by their offspring.
Besides
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,
instead
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 of being couch potatoes,
youngers
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youngsters
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 should rather do some outdoor activities
such
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 as running and jogging to improve their physical health.
As a result
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, these disadvantages can be surely eradicated. To summarise, what has been discussed above I can assertively conclude that
although
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 playing on
computers
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 has many drawbacks, still by implementing some rules and regulations on the utilization of these electronic widgets we can certainly reduce its harmful results.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data to support your main points, which would strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for discussing both the negative outcomes and potential solutions related to computer gaming.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the key negative outcomes of excessive computer gaming, which demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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