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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, the trend of playing video games has become most popular in our social life. Most people complain that these games have influenced their kids' life and health development. In this essay, I will discuss my opinion.

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Nowadays, the trend of playing video
Use synonyms
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 has become most popular in our social growth. Most people complain that
these fun
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this fun
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have
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has
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 influenced their kids' activity and health development. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss my opinion. On the one hand,
to begin
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 with, kids always playing device
games
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 will help them to develop their minds
and
Correct word choice
apply
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physically because they think to solve the problems
while
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 they are playing.
For example
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, young teenagers can learn how to become the first winner when they play with another team online member or friends on the PC screen.
Additionally
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, playing
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game
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games
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 not only resolves problems,
butit
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but
also
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 can imagine when they
were
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are
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 in real growth and they can create more ideas and interesting stuff to make our world more colourful.
For instance
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, youth can create different creative
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game
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games
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 for our young generations
such
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 as boring subjects like mathematics or science
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game
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games
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 to our students to let them have an interest in learning computers to help them gain knowledge.
On the other hand
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, some of them too much focus on
these action
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this action
these actions
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 which will cause them fatigue and mental health.
Next,
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tired will cause their mood to always be aggressive and tense.
For example
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, kids spending too much time on device exercise can make them feel tired as they are always on screen and focused on how to be a winner or hero in the fun world.
Moreover
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, their muscle will feel painful as they always sit on a chair all the time and have distance from their parents because they do not communicate with each other.
In addition
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, online
games
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 have a damaging effect on their performance in studying in their social life
such
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 as they cannot concentrate on their studies when facing a teacher or communicating with their classmate like zero connection to other communities in their circle life. In conclusion, it is undeniable that computer
games
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 are beneficial to children, who often use their bodies and minds to create new knowledge and the addictive nature encourages children to spend more time on them, leading them to get a negative class performance in the future, but my experience shows that playing computer
games
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 with a regular basis seems to be more beneficial.

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language
Consider revising sentences for grammatical accuracy. For instance, 'kids always playing device games' could be 'kids who always play video games.'
examples
Strengthen your examples by ensuring they clearly illustrate your points. For example, instead of saying 'they can create more ideas,' specify what type of ideas or projects.
clarity
Improve clarity by breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences. This helps your reader better understand your arguments.
content
The essay addresses both positive and negative aspects of video gaming, demonstrating a balanced viewpoint.
examples
Examples of video games enhancing creativity in subjects like mathematics are interesting and relevant.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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