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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the main factor influencing a child’s development these days are things such as tv, friends and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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In current society, there are many factors that influence child
development
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. Some people argue that the primary factors are
TV
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,
friends
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, and music,
while
Linking Words
others
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 believe that family is the most important factor. From my point of view, I strongly believe that the influence of family outweighs
others
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. On one hand, many things
such
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 as
TV
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 and
friends
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 have impacts on child
development
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. There are multiple educational shows on
TV
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 and toddlers can learn how to speak and behave by watching those.
For example
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, statistics by Tokyo University
indicates
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicate
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 that over 80% of kids under 5 years learned new phrases from cartoons.
Furthermore
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, interactions with
friends
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 significantly contribute to the
development
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 of communication skills and problem-solving skills.
On the other hand
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, it is imperative to recognize the role of family.
Children
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 spend a great amount of time with their parents and siblings compared with time
spending
Wrong verb form
spent
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for
Change preposition
on
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 other activities, and learn good
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
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, social norms, and kindness by looking at them.
For example
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,
according to
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 a study conducted by the Ministry of Health in Japan, more than 80% of
children
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 who show
respects
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respect
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 to
others
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 answered that they learned to be polite to
others
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 from their parents.
Furthermore
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, a family tie is always stronger than other relationships. When kids misbehave, their classmates do not always stop them, but their parents have a responsibility to point out and teach them how to deal with unfavourable situations.
Consequently
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, family members have the biggest influence
to
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on
show examples
children
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.
To sum up
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,
family
Correct article usage
the family
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 not only spends the most time with
children
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,
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apply
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 but
also
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 has a responsibility to teach appropriate
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
While
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 there are many influential factors
such
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 as
TV
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 and
friends
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 in contemporary life, the importance of family in child
development
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 is paramount.

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task achievement
Consider providing more diverse examples to support each point. For instance, you might mention different types of media or varying family structures.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth. For example, when shifting from discussing friends to family, use linking phrases to maintain flow.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents a strong thesis statement, which sets a solid foundation for the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay effectively presents both sides of the argument before stating your opinion, demonstrating a balanced view.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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