IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweight as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion

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Obesity
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 is a vital
problem
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 that we must consider in these days. It is
serious
Add an article
a serious
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 issue that
effect
Verb problem
affects
show examples
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children
Change noun form
children's
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 health. They argued that the best way to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue
via banning
Wrong verb form
is to ban
show examples
 fast
food
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 from schools. I totally disagree with
this
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solution
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, and I will explain more about it in the essay. These days we face a huge widespread
problem
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 which is
obesity
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, a measurement called body mass index to measure the body mass; if it is above 30% means that you are overweight.
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Children
Change noun form
Children's
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 health is the responsibility of
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
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, they could raise their kids with good
food
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 habits
besides
Linking Words
 following the
food
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 hierarchy
for example
Linking Words
balance
Replace the word
balancing
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 meals, choosing suitable snacks and beverages, and
allow
Wrong verb form
allowing
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 some fast
food
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 depending on the calories counter. Banning fast
food
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 from school canteens is not an effective
solution
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 for controlling the overweight
problem
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. Since kids can buy them from a restaurant or supermarket near
to
Change preposition
apply
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school
Add an article
the school
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. Fast foods
such
Linking Words
 as burgers, fries, chocolate..etc.I believe that one of the good
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solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
show examples
 is that we can create a program in school showing the
children
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 how fast
food
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 is bad for our health and not only being fat is the only
problem
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 for
obesity
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 it is
lead
Wrong verb form
leads
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 to
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
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 pressure and high sugar levels. In conclusion,
obesity
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 is a vital
problem
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 that we have to consider and find a
solution
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.
Children
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 are precious, and we must protect them from
obesity
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 via contributions from parents and schools.

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grammar
Make sure to proofread for grammatical errors and typos, such as 'effect' instead of 'affect' and 'a serious issue' towards the beginning of the essay.
content
Expand on your ideas for more clarity. For example, explain how fast food contributes to obesity more specifically and perhaps mention the consequences of obesity.
structure
Organize your ideas to ensure a smoother flow. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help with structure and coherence.
content
The essay presents a clear opinion on the issue and maintains that perspective throughout.
content
You provided a reasonable argument against banning fast food in schools, which is a relevant and engaging point to consider.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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