IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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There is no doubt that in
this
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 modern era, the need for money has increased. Thereby, several families consider
both
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 to do the job. It is believed
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some people that the extra earnings are beneficial for the
children
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,
however
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, others
are opposing
Wrong verb form
oppose
show examples
this
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 statement.
Both
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 views will be discussed in upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, if
both
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parents
Use synonyms
 are working, the income they are earning from their jobs will help
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 in
further
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 studies. To explain, some individuals have high desires regarding the education they want to gain. As we know, everything is expensive these days including education, especially in universities.
Therefore
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,
salary
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the salary
a salary
show examples
 of
both
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parents
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 can considered as
useful
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a useful
show examples
 element to pay the fees of the
children
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.
For example
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, provided statistics by Harvard University show that 75%
families
Change preposition
of families
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 in which
both
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 mom and dad are employed,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have sent their
children
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in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
institues
Correct your spelling
institutes
as
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to others.
Hence
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,
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 of
both
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parents
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 can give
prosperous
Correct article usage
a prosperous
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 future to the
children
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.
On the other hand
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, Some
children
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 feel
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of support if their
both
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parents
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 go to job.
In other words
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, these days there is plenty of stress on
this
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 planet
due to
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 many reasons out of those causes one is feeling alone at home. Sometimes
children
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 have some issues in their life and they want to share their feelings with their
parents
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. But
due to
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hectic
Correct article usage
the hectic
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schedule
Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
show examples
 of
both
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
parents
Add a comma
parents,
show examples
 they compress the emotions in their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 and
this
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 leads to severe depression situation and they feel
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of help from their
parents
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.
Thus
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,
joing
Correct your spelling
joining
 jobs by
both
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parents
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 can
put
Verb problem
have
show examples
Correct article usage
a detreimental
show examples
detreimental
Correct your spelling
detrimental
 impact on
mental
Add an article
the mental
show examples
 health of the
children
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. In conclusion,
although
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 extra money provides
benefit
Add an article
the benefit
show examples
 of higher education to the
children
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, I believe that additional money cannot give
heathly
Correct your spelling
healthy
 mental wellness to the
children
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. So, one
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a singular noun
parent
show examples
 should be with the
children
Use synonyms
 to give them
support
Add an article
the support
show examples
 they need.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider providing a clearer structure by directly stating your thesis in the introduction. This will help the reader understand your main argument right away.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to separate your points more distinctly in the paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea.
task achievement
Ensure that you use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively and avoid repetition of phrases.
task achievement
Further elaborate on ideas presented, especially in the second paragraph, to strengthen your argument. Providing more detailed examples or explanations can add depth.
task achievement
The essay does present both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as statistics from Harvard, adds credibility to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • dual-income household
  • financial stability
  • extracurricular activities
  • role models
  • self-reliance
  • independent
  • emotional well-being
  • work-life balance
  • neglected
  • quality time
What to do next:
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