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Writing Samples
Band 6

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

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Obesity
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 is a new-age disorder. Nowadays, many
children
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 suffer from being overweight, which
inevitablely
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inevitably
 will affect their health and quality of life, both on short and long-term levels.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes of
obesity
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 for young people and suggest possible solutions. Without a doubt, there are multiple causes that contribute to
obesity
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 in
children
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. These causes can be classified into modifiable and non-modifiable. Genetics is the only non-modifiable cause, and it can be triggered by several environmental factors.
First,
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eating unhealthy food. In fact, the introduction of processed, greasy, unhealthy food at a young age can affect
children
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’s natural metabolism, making them prone to
obesity
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. Another reason is the recent advanced technology that encourages
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle.
For instance
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,
children
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 who spend their time playing video games
instead
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 of physical activities tend to be overweight.
Finally
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, having unattentive parents. Generally, having well-educated parents who monitor their
children
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’s diet and activity is vital for their weight and
overall
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 health. Undoubtedly,
obesity
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 in
children
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 can be prevented
by
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in
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 several ways. One, monitoring the child’s diet. It is important to ensure the quality of what a child drinks and eats.
Second,
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the introduction of physical activity.
This
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 can be achieved by promoting school competitive activities,
such
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 as football or swimming.
Last
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 but not least, educating the public about the devastating effect
obesity
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 has on the human body. In conclusion,
obesity
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 is a serious condition for
children
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. It results from several factors, most of which can be prevented. For
this
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 purpose, several ways are available to promote healthy weight in younger adults.

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Task Achievement
Consider elaborating on your points with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you could cite studies that link unhealthy eating habits to obesity in children.
Task Achievement
When discussing solutions, try to explicitly connect the importance of each solution to the problem of obesity, providing a clearer rationale for why these solutions are effective.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that all your ideas are connected into a logical flow. For example, transitioning phrases can guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Task Achievement
In your introduction, you could mention specific age groups of children or specific trends to make your argument more focused.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow.
Task Achievement
You've identified both causes and solutions effectively, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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