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Writing Samples
Band 7

The provided bar chart depicts the changes in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over a thirty-year period, from 1980 to 2010.

The provided bar chart depicts the changes in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over a thirty-year period, from 1980 to 2010.
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The bar chart illustrates the proportions of overweight individuals In Australia based on gender, in the year 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, both males and females experienced an increase in weight over the 30-year
period
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
 there
are
Change the verb form
is
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higher
Add an article
a higher
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 percentage of overweight men compared to
women
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.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the
Number
Fix capitalization
number
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 of overweight men surged higher over the time
period
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. In 1980, about 47% of males were above normal weight, and
this
Linking Words
 continued to rise to slightly above 50% in 1990, before a sudden increase in 2000 to 70%,
then
Linking Words
 a minimal decline to around 67% in the next decade.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
women
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 experienced an upward trend,
although
Linking Words
 minimally. At the beginning of the time
period
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, only 30% of
women
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 were overweight. By the next 10 years,
this
Linking Words
 figure rises 10%, amounting to 40% of overweight
women
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 in 1990.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, there was a gradual increase until it peaked in 2000, and
this
Linking Words
 remained steady over the next decade.
while
Linking Words
 both males and females witnessed a rise in overweight levels, men's weight fluctuated over the
period
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 continued to surge, albeit at a slow pace.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "although".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words period, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "surged" was used 2 times.
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