IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The problem of obesity is becoming a serious issue all over the world. Some people argue that price of fattening foods should be increases to reduce the growth of this problem. Do you agree/ disagree?

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Obesity
Use synonyms
 is indeed a serious issue throughout the world, some
individuals'
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individuals
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 claim that increasing the price of fattening
foods
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 would affect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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consumers and eventually they will end up buying affordable
foods
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 only.
Whereas
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, others opine that increasing the
food
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 prices does not affect the consumers but it would affect the country's economy. I staunchly disagree with the aforementioned rubric
due to
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 some notable reasons. I would like to present my views by diving deeper into the topic before deducing a reasonable conclusion.
To begin
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 with, there are many reasons to support my viewpoint, but the most conspicuous lies in the fact that,
Obesity
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 could be inherited in the family and that does not explain
the
Rephrase
why the
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 consumption of
fat
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fatty
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foods
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 would cause
the
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apply
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obesity
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.
Secondly
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, people should be more mindful about
consumption
Add an article
the consumption
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 of their
food
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,
however
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, these days all the
food
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 packages are labelled with
the
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apply
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nutrition facts.
Last
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 but not
the
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apply
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least, people should do physical activities on a daily basis and should look after their health with a proper diet,
eventually
Add a comma
eventually,
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 they could overcome
this
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 problem. Another pivotal aspect of
this
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 argument is that,
firstly
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 increasing the price of
food
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 items cannot be a solution to reduce the growth of
Use synonyms
obesity
Correct article usage
the obesity
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 issue,
besides
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, it would lead the country to
an
Remove the article
apply
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another recession.
Secondly
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, fast
food
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 industries are backing up the country's economy by creating more jobs nowadays.
Moreover
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, in
this
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 modern
era
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era,
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 people can always seek
for
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apply
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medical assistance to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
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. To encapsulate, the foregoing discussion propounds
the
Correct determiner usage
that
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 fattening
foods
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 both positive and negative aspects but I believe my views
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 shown more significance to me.

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task achievement
Ensure each idea is clearly developed with sufficient examples or explanations to strengthen your argument. Consider using specific examples related to the obesity issue to enhance your points.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the flow and connection between your sentences and paragraphs. Transitional phrases can help guide the reader through your logic more clearly.
grammatical accuracy
Revise for grammatical accuracy and clarity. While small inaccuracies do not affect your score significantly, they can impact overall comprehension.
task achievement
You present a clear position on the issue and express a disagreement with the idea of increasing food prices, which makes your stance evident.
coherence and cohesion
The essay includes a structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for coherence in writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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