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Writing Samples
Band 5

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in past because they did exercise and spent more time with their family and friends , whereas many now suffer from lonliness and health problems . What are the causes of this and reasons

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There is no doubt that mental and physical
issues
Use synonyms
 are increasing day by day. Professionals believe that
people
Use synonyms
 in old age
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a prosperous life because of their healthy lifestyle,
while
Linking Words
 today's generation is facing severe
health
Use synonyms
issues
Use synonyms
 and suffering from stressful lives. The root cause behind
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is
excessive
Correct article usage
the excessive
show examples
 use of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
, and
this
Linking Words
 issue can be mitigated by arranging diverse counselling sessions by institutes. First of all, nowadays individuals think that cell
phones
Use synonyms
 are their friends and they use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 as a source of entertainment. To explain
this
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 these days spend plenty of
time
Use synonyms
 on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 to play games, chat and make videos.
This
Linking Words
 leads to loneliness and obesity, which are the biggest
health
Use synonyms
issues
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. They do not prefer to go outside to do exercise like old
people
Use synonyms
 used to do.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey was collected by Ajit News Network in 2021, which showed that individuals who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 prolonged
time
Use synonyms
 sitting on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are found to be unhealthy as compared to older
people
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the mobile phone is the main cause of feeling alone and developing
health
Use synonyms
 problems.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue, schools should organize counselling campaigns for the children.
In other words
Linking Words
, schools are the place
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
where students learn to grow in their lives, so it is the responsibility of schools to teach them about the benefits of doing exercise and having some
time
Use synonyms
 with friends to share their emotions rather than spending much
time
Use synonyms
 on
phones
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, statistics revealed that 70% of students'
health
Use synonyms
issues
Use synonyms
 were healed by arranging counselling
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the Edwards Saint School
last
Linking Words
 year.
Thus
Linking Words
, teaching about the benefits of outdoor activities can bring
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 life to anyone. In conclusion, mental and physical
health
Use synonyms
 are considered necessary to stay healthy. Mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are one of the main reasons that bring alone
time
Use synonyms
, and it can be reduced by teaching children about the usefulness of outdoor activities.

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Task Response
Ensure that all parts of the task are fully addressed. While you provided a good analysis of current issues, consider expanding on the reasons behind loneliness and health problems in more detail.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the flow of ideas between paragraphs to improve coherence. Using more linking phrases could help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Task Achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument and demonstrates critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively summarize the main points, providing a clear overview of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • technological reliance
  • urbanization
  • work-life balance
  • family dynamics
  • lengthy longevity
  • quality of life
  • social isolation
  • digital divide
  • cultural values
  • communal living
  • processed foods
  • dietary changes
  • mental health
  • elderly well-being
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