IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronics entertainment it would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

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Recent decades have witnessed tremendous growth in
technoloty
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technology
. For
the
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apply
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entertainent
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entertainment
purpose
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purposes
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,
children's
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children
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 are impose on computers
nowdays
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nowadays
show examples
.
while
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 dictractors
,
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apply
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thought that engaging them in physical activity would be more beneficial . I personally reckon that
,
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apply
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outdoors
Replace the word
outdoor
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games
Use synonyms
 are considerable for human development . In
this
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 essay ,
i
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I
show examples
 will elaborate
both
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on both
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 views and support my opinion.
Firstly
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, Ancient humans were
helathy
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healthy
 because physical tasks were incredibly involved in their daily life workouts . People were used to
do
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doing
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 their chores by
hands
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hand
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 and there was no need
of
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for
show examples
 exercise or
gym
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a gym
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 . In
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 arena , diseases are introduced among
young
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the young
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 generation because of the
exccessive
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excessive
 usage of video
games
Use synonyms
 ,
computer
Correct word choice
and computer
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games
Use synonyms
.
By outdoor
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Outdoor
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 , energy burnout and
gives
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give
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 refreshment to
human
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the human
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 brain which is useful for growth and a healthy life .
For Example
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 , in
the
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apply
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1990 research was conducted and
conclude
Wrong verb form
concluded
show examples
 that
the
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apply
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children who play outside with others ,
they
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apply
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tend to be more active and intelligent rather than others .
Secondly
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 , The environment gives us many
benifits
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benefits
. For
intance
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instance
, fresh air , vitamin
d
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D
show examples
. Parents should encourage their younger ones to play outside
home
Correct article usage
the home
show examples
tp
Correct your spelling
to
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 gain these benefits .
Moreover
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 , Sports should be introduced to
childrens
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children
show examples
in
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at
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young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age to
instill
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instil
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them
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in them
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 energy ,
team
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and team
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 spirit . Learning
in
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at
show examples
the
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an
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 early age
,
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apply
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leads
a
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to a
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successful career in athletes.
To conclude
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 , As we see in the above paragraphs people who adapt
outdoor
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to outdoor
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 activities
in
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at
show examples
Correct article usage
a yound
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yound
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young
 age
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more
helathy
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healthy
 and intelligent in their curriculum .
Hence
Linking Words
 , we have
encourage
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encouraged
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 our kids to play outside
inspite
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in spite
 of
playig
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playing
 on computers .

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coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the clarity of your ideas by focusing on one main point per paragraph and ensuring that each point is clearly linked to your thesis statement.
language accuracy
Watch for grammar and spelling errors, as these can distract from the message of your essay. Try to proofread your work before submission.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and explanations to support your arguments, as this will strengthen your overall response.
task achievement
You clearly stated your opinion and provided reasons to support it, showing your engagement with the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction indicates your intention to discuss both views, presenting a balanced approach which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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