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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (20 mins.)

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (20 mins.)
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This
Linking Words
 graph presents the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of data about shopping online. For sectors in Canada between 2005 to 2010. In the
pie
Use synonyms
 charts, it was indicated on electronics appliances
food
Use synonyms
home
Use synonyms
 furnishing and the
last
Linking Words
 one video games. Many parts in the
pie
Use synonyms
chart
Use synonyms
 had different
colors
Change the spelling
colours
show examples
 to compare quantity. The
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
pie
Use synonyms
chart
Use synonyms
 in 2005. Most were electronics and appliances about 35
percent
Use synonyms
. Another one of the charts had a similar
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
food
Use synonyms
 beverages
furthermore
Linking Words
home
Use synonyms
 furnishings. They were 22
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and 25
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. The lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of the total graph was about video games just 18
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. The
pie
Use synonyms
chart
Use synonyms
 in 2010.
Percentage
Use synonyms
 of
food
Use synonyms
 and beverage. It has increased quite significantly about 32
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 from 22
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the past.
However
Linking Words
, the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of electronics and appliances declined from 35
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 to 30
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the video game had up to 23
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 from the least.
Finally
Linking Words
, the
chart
Use synonyms
 for
home
Use synonyms
 furnishings was lower
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 15
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
To sum up
Linking Words
. If we compare the average of percentages in a
pie
Use synonyms
chart
Use synonyms
. The first
food
Use synonyms
percentage
Use synonyms
 was the most interesting because it increased
10
Change preposition
by 10
show examples
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 5 years. Another one was
home
Use synonyms
 furnishings
as a result
Linking Words
 it lower 10
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 5 years.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, pie, food, home, chart, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compare" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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