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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think schools should rewards students who have the best academic results, while others think it's more important to reward student who achieve other types of success (such as sports, music and good behaviour). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some people believe that schools should prioritize
students
Use synonyms
 who get the best academic scores,
while
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 others argue that it is more crucial to reward
students
Use synonyms
 who succeed in other aspects
such
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 as
sports
Use synonyms
, music, and good behaviour.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why I think successful
students
Use synonyms
 should be rewarded regardless of their types of achievements. It is thought that
students
Use synonyms
 who perform well in academic subjects should get rewards because these subjects are essential in the future, leading to better growth in their professional lives. With higher scores in those areas,
students
Use synonyms
 can show their abilities in certain areas required for working by including high marks or prizes in their resumes.
For example
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, many companies in Asian countries still consider academic rewards as the top priority when they screen candidates.
As a result
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, if learners are motivated to perform well in schools through rewarding systems, they tend to get higher scores, resulting in higher chances of being employed.
On the other hand
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, others think that
students
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 who achieve in other perspectives apart from academic results should be prioritized since
this
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 fosters
students
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 to gain more practical experience
that is
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also
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 important for their lives.
While
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 academic
skills
Use synonyms
 alone are not enough to make
students
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 outstanding from other applicants, achievements in extracurricular activities are good evidence showing that
students
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also
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 have essential life
skills
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such
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 as teamwork, time management, and communication.
Therefore
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, these
students
Use synonyms
 are worth considering candidates.
For instance
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, hiring managers tend to believe that candidates who have accomplishments in
sports
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 will be good team members because they know how to work as a team and give them a higher point. In conclusion,
while
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 some people think that
students
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, who are excellent at academic aspects, should be prioritized because academic
skills
Use synonyms
 are important in professional development, I still believe that
students
Use synonyms
, who succeed in other perspectives
such
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 as
sports
Use synonyms
, should
also
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 be rewarded. Having achievements in other areas apart from academic results is
also
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 significant
to encourage
Change preposition
in encouraging
show examples
students
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 to gain more practical
skills
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.Some people think schools should
rewards
Wrong verb form
reward
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 who have the best academic results,
while
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 others think it's more important to reward
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who achieve other types of success (
such
Linking Words
 as
sports
Use synonyms
, music and good behaviour). Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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grammar
Make sure to consistently pluralize 'students' in your essay. For example, change 'student who achieve' to 'students who achieve' for better grammatical accuracy.
structure
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the key points made in both sides of the argument. This will reinforce the points discussed and provide a clearer final message.
examples
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points. For instance, mentioning a specific program or initiative at a school that rewards non-academic achievements would enhance your argument.
strength
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both perspectives on rewarding students, which is a strong point in task achievement.
strength
You have a clear thesis statement indicating your opinion, which effectively sets up the structure of your essay.
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